Random things that motivate me #005

 Competition

Although the reason behind me doing this VLCD was to ease my crohn's disease into remission, I have had to keep myself motivated in other ways to break my eating habits and, especially as I have started to feel better in my stomach, I've had to keep reminding myself of the various reasons that I am sticking to this diet - aside from preventing belly ache and bloating. One of the things that has kept me motivated the most this week has been my competitive nature.

My scales have broken so I have taken to weighing in every Sunday at my mum's house. My mum is also trying to lose weight. Last week when we weighed in she had lost 2 lbs and I had gained. The sense of competition and wanting to lose as much as, or more than, my mum has kept me on track this week and I have stuck rigidly to this Very Low Calorie No-Solid-Food Diet (Bar, one or two hot drinks that shouldn't strictly have had milk or sugar in. There have been no major slip-ups.). I am aiming for a really strong end to the week with no drinks other than water and my 3 VLCD shakes a day. I am eager to weigh in on Sunday and discover who has been the biggest loser!

Random things that motivate me #004

Reality:

I felt particularly fat after my shower last week and decided to take a photo of myself to serve as a reminder. There have been a few times that I have been tempted to cheat on this diet, but looking at this photo is always enough to change my mind. I have a copy on my phone that goes everywhere with me and every time that I think about food, I look at this. I am reminded that the only person who I'd be cheating, by eating, is myself. I look at this and I reminded that food is just not worth it. It's not worth it at all...

VLCD Update

I've been on the liquid diet for a few days now and I have amazing news to update you with:

For the first time in a very long time, I am not in pain with my crohn's disease!

This is an amazing result in such a short space of time! It would seem that food really has been aggravating my symptoms. I can see why really, as the nature of crohn's disease is that my insides are inflamed and lined with aphthous ulcers. Everybody knows that mouth ulcers heal faster if they are not rubbing against anything else in the mouth, so it stands to reason that giving the ulcers inside of me a break from the friction of food moving over them will help them to heal. 

Over the last few days, I have only been tempted to eat food once. I actually thought about buying myself a veggie burger while on a day out, and for a time I was not sure what I was going to do. It was touch and go, but I then realised that I simply had to decide that I was not going to eat, and after that it was easy. At the end of that day I was so proud of myself for having made the right choice. I feel certain that it would not have tasted as nice as I was imagining it to be, and I can only imagine how bad I would have felt in myself if I had given in to temptation on day two! It would have been full of gluten as well so it would have really made my tummy bloat out, and would have caused me a lot of pain.

Now that my stomach is feeling better, it is important that I remember just how poorly I've been over these past few months. I need to keep telling myself that eating will probably make me feel like that again. I'm quite excited at the possibility that this diet may get my crohn's disease completely into remission!

As well as the health benefits, I am now starting to get really excited about finally seeing some great results with my weight loss. I weigh in next Sunday at my mum's house (my own scales are broken so I can't take any sneaky peaks!) and I'm really hoping to see a significant loss. Although this 'lifestyle change'-now-cum-diet has always been first and foremost about getting healthy, my weight has also been an issue for me for a long time.

The next few days should be relatively easy for me in terms of sticking to the diet, as my husband is on leave from work until Thursday. I haven't been tempted to binge yet (touch wood), but if I do feel the urge, it should be easier to ignore, or, rather, harder to listen to with him around, as I only ever binge in private.

There are a few aspects of this diet that I am finding more difficult than the actual abstinence of food itself. For a start, I feel very irritable and find it hard to concentrate or think straight, the amount of water that I need to drink makes me need to pee like Seabiscuit, which is rather uncomfortable, and while we're on the subject of drinking, I am really, really missing tea and coffee!

I'm trying only to drink water as, while I am technically doing this diet to give my stomach a rest from solid food, I know that I will see the best weight loss results if I stick rigidly to the VLCD rules. I feel quite tired and drained at times, probably due to caffeine withdrawal, but most of all I miss the social, habitual and comforting nature of drinking tea and coffee. I think that I could live without food forever, if I could drink as much tea and coffee as I liked.

All in all I am feeling very positive and determined, and my stomach feels a lot better for not having food passed through it. It's all good for now!

Serious change, Drastic measures...

It is time to face facts. The 'Eat-Less-Move-More' lifestyle changes that I have made are not working. I am still weighing in at 14 stone and I am sick. I am about as far away from 'healthy' right now as it is possible to be.

To bring everybody up to speed with my health situation, I have Hypothyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian  Syndrome and Crohn's disease, which all work against me in my attempt to lose weight. The Hypothyroidism isn't well controlled currently; We're still trying to work out the right dose of levothyroxine for me to be on, and an underactive thyroid unfortunately does cause weight gain. On top of this I am on a cocktail of steroids for my Crohn's disease, which all list "Weight Gain" amongst their most common side effects. It's all good fun, eh?

I, along with Dr G (my gastroenterologist), am really struggling lately with trying to get the Crohn's disease into remission. Prednisolone (a strong steroid with nasty side effects) hasn't worked and almost everything that I eat is making me feel sick. I have extensive villous atrophy and am, as a consequence, not absorbing any nutrition from the food that I eat. I feel like I could really benefit from just giving my gut a rest from trying to digest food altogether.

It is based on that feeling, that I have made the big decision to try a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD). This will be a liquid-only diet. It's extreme, and goes against all that I have been trying to achieve here in this blog (eating healthy, normal portion sizes and making good food choices - not allowing myself to fall into either extreme of binging or starving myself), however I feel at this point that giving my stomach a rest from solid food will be the best thing for me. It will hopefully give my digestive system time to recover and opportunity for inflammation to settle down.

The VLCD products that I will be using are nutritionally complete shakes and soups that, across the course of 3 packets a day, will provide my body with complete nutrition in minimal calories, no solids and with as little irritation or aggravation to my gut as possible.

I've previously believed that VLCD's are not suitable for me, due to my history - my urges to binge and starve (and purge), but I have proved to myself over the last 4 months that I am in control of my diet and I am capable of making good, healthy food choices. And I will go back to this healthy lifestyle once I reintroduce proper food to my diet later on.

I would not chose a VLCD purely as a means to lose weight. I think the best way for me to 'diet' would be to continue on with healthy food choices, controlled portion sizes, mindful eating, calorie counting and regular exercise, but this is not working for me right now due to my poor health, uncontrolled hypothyroidism and the medication that I am on.

I am aware that starting on a VLCD may trigger my bing-purge behaviour, but at the moment I trust myself that I am assertive enough to recognize if that occurs, and be honest with myself that if that is the case, VLCD is not for me and I will have to try a different approach.

That said, I think I will find a the diet relatively easy to stick to at the moment. I am so desperate with my illness and I am in so much pain that I don't want to eat anything. And I am so fatigued and generally unwell. Lately, eating anything solid seems to make these symptoms flare up big time. I need some relief. For this simple reason, that I am feeling so unwell, I don't think there will be an issue with me wanting to binge while on the diet. I obviously won't know until I try, but if I start to feel negative urges again I will have to reconsider whether this is something that I can afford to do, emotionally or psychologically.

I'm trying to set off with a positive mental attitude, though and I'm really hopeful that not eating will give me some relief from my Crohn's symptoms and help aid the steroids in getting me into remmission.

On another plus side of course weight loss will be a massive benefit as I've been at a standstill since I regained back to 14stone. Aaaanyway, that's the plan for now! I may not stick to this diet for long as, if I start to recognize I'm not coping and it's doing me harm mentally, I'll have to give it up. However I am hoping that as I am doing this diet for health reasons, and because I feel so ill that I don't even want to eat most of the time anyway, that it won't be an issue. Fingers crossed that this works out!

Doing the Salmon Dance

This really is begining to feel like a very long battle. I feel like I'm trying to swim against the tide. I had a repeat blood test last week that showed that my hypothyroidism is not yet quite controlled, which, according to my GP, will be making it harder for me to lose weight. On top of this I had an appointment with Dr G last week where I was told that the Budesonide that I was on hadn't worked and the inflammation inside me was increasing. Because of this I am now having to take Prednisolone, a different type of steroid. Unfortunately a side effect of this medication is weight gain. The last thing I need. I've only been taking Pred for a week and already I've gained weight. I am now back up to 14st, or 196lbs.

I'm determined not to feel defeated, though. Although the weather has been bad, so my recent relative inactivity may have contributed to my weight gain in part, I haven't changed my diet since starting Prednisolone, so I can only assume that the new medication and my badly behaving thyroid gland are largely responsible for the pounds creeping back on. While the temptation is there to say, 'To hell with it then! It doesn't matter what I do - I'm never going to shift this weight. What's the point?', the point is this:


If I am gaining weight on <1500 kcals a day, what is going to happen if I start eating mindlessly again?

For the first time in a long time, I am actually constantly mindful of what I am consuming. I think about eating healthily, portion sizes, not eating out of habit or boredom etc. I think about these things every day. This is still the longest that I have ever stuck with anything like this. I am reluctant to call it a 'diet', but if that is what it is, it's the longest I've ever stuck to one.

I'm afraid that if I drop these lifestyle changes that I have worked so hard to bring about, I'll never be able to pick them back up again. So while I may not be seeing great results at the minute, it's worth sticking out. It's about damage control. It's about keeping 'healthy' at the front of my mind. It's about maintaining, and continuing to strive for a better, healthier version of myself.

I am frustrated and fed up with my body, and how long this is taking, and how hard it is, but I am as determined and motivated as I ever have been.

A knife edge...

I'm doing well... ish. I have good days, very good days and, very occasionally, I have a few bad days as well. I feel as though a healthy, skinny me is just within my grasp. If I only make a few right choices now, I'll be able to reach out and hold 'skinny' in my hands - at last, and for good!

But at the moment I feel like I'm balancing precariously on a knife edge.  On one side of me lies a serene path of success, good health, fitness, well being, and a solid sense of self-worth. This is a path that, once I'm soundly on my way, I reckon I could follow for the rest of my life, without wavering. A simple path. A sustainable path. Watching my calories and working out. Easy, right?

On the other side, however, lays a path that scares me, and thrills me. This path is fasting, restricting, dropping weight FAST and NOW and seeing change. I do know restricting doesn't work for me - I end up binging BIG TIME. I don't mean falling off the diet waggon and eating a chocolate bar or two. I mean binging on 10,000+ calories at a time. A bag of doughnuts. And a box of cereal. And everything that I have in my cupboards and / or fridge. Going shopping to replace everything and buying bags of popcorn and crisps at the same time, eating those in the car before we even set off from the supermarket.  Then going to pizza hut, and getting a Chinese on the way home. In my experience, restricting always leads to binging. It may not be immediate, but if I go down this path, the binge will follow. I know this, and yet the idea of restricting and fasting still tempts me - It taunts me.

And then directly beneath me, should I fall off of this knife edge and miss either path entirely, lays a life of obesity, misery, failure; a still, sedentary lifestyle. No self-esteem. Worn and jaded, faded self-worth. That's not me. I refuse to allow this to become me. Obesity, an underactive thyroid and fat-induced-infertility will not overcome me. I will overcome these things and become a better, thinner person in the process.

I know which path I want to take... but sometimes I feel like I'm frozen to the spot. Afraid of failure. Afraid to move in case I lose my balance and fall in the wrong direction. I know now that I can lose weight by calorie counting and exercising. I've seen it happen over the last few weeks. But it's slow - agonisingly slow. I could keep this up and become slimmer, fitter, healthier - eventually. But as the weight starts to shift, I become impatient. I want to be thinner - not later - now. I want to see the number on the scales fall daily  - not ticking over, at a rate of maybe a lb a week.

I know that the sort of change I'm dreaming of is not sustainable, and I will end up binging, and getting fatter than ever, and having to start again. I must keep this in mind because today I found myself perusing 'ProAna' blogs. I didn't go looking for them. And it's not like I want the disorder back. I stumbled upon them. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. You don't want to look, but you can't tear your eyes away either.

I do know the reality of anorexia / bulimia. I overcame it once and I'll be damned if I have to do it again. I do remember the binging, purging, self-hatred... the constant sense of failure, of not quite being thin enough... the obsession, the constant thinking about food, and weight, and portion sizes and weighing out foods. The consumption - I'm not meaning consuming foods, but being consumed by a force that will bind you in its grip and not let you go.

But it's like my mind has glamorised the disorder somewhere along the way - Instead of looking back and seeing clearly how I was controlled by my disordered way of eating and my distorted self-image, I look back and I remember the feeling of success after getting through a week of not eating. The feeling of power and control when the number on the scales fell... And that little voice in the back of my mind - the devil on my shoulder if you like - whispers, "If you just restrict for one week, you could loose half a stone, take it from there... It's a push in the right direction, get a bulk out the way and then go back to calorie counting. Exert some control. Show yourself you're in charge... Show yourself how much willpower you can have. You'll feel better when you can see how much smaller you're getting." It's a slippery slope.

I can see that if I carry on as I have been, I could change for life. I could be fit, and healthy - and thin! I could be a runner, I could have another baby, I could learn how to never get fat like this again. I could learn how to enjoy foods AND lose weight. You can actually eat quite a lot in a day with 1200 calories, and I know I'll lose weight, too... But I think that's the part my mind struggles with. Is this too easy? Could I be doing more? Could I be getting thinner, quicker?

No. I turn my face away from disordered eating. I think about how SICK I will feel with myself when I try to fast and then end up binging on a week's worth of food in one sitting. I choose control - real control. I choose a steady success and consistent change. I chose slowly moving on, 1200 calories, one day at a time. And one step at a time, I will run to a healthier me.

I face you, temptation, and I turn away again. You are not good for me. That voice that says, "Just one week of fasting" is just as evil as the one that says, "Start your diet again tomorrow". Both would see me fail in this. And I will not be beaten by the devil on my shoulder. I'm stronger than that.

Ah crap...

I completely fecked up my diet today. Massive binge. I was doing so well as well! I felt really motivated this morning and when I weighed in this afternoon I discovered that I had lost 5lbs! I don't know what went wrong... I don't even know why I did it. I wasn't even hungry. I'm so angry with myself!

But I'm trying not to let it get the better of me. I just need to get back on track now and make sure it doesn't happen every day!

I'm trying to keep my motivating quotes at the front of my mind...

Yesterday you said
'tomorrow'.

Just do it.

and remember that doughnuts and junk food will still be there when I'm skinny - if I want it!