Friday, 12 October 2012

Childhood sexual abuse, obesity as protection and anxiety around weight loss...

I have always watched programs like 'The Biggest Loser' and 'Supersize VS Superskinny', and - I admit - kind of rolled my eyes when they get to parts where they dig out old photos and go into the emotional reasons behind their over-eating. I would sit there thinking that it was all over-dramatized for the benefit of the camera and the audience. I'd sit there saying to the screen, "Yeah, right - You just like eating too much and you know it!".

However, I say this now with shame and sobriety, as I believe that I have discovered in my past, a major key to my obesity and weight gain. I understand now that a persons' past, their subconscious, their fears and doubts may contribute to their eating habits, as may well be the case for me.

I have yo-yo'd up and down before and just put it down to low will power, enjoyment of food, comfort eating, lack of self discipline, etc, which, in part, it is. But I now believe that there is something else going on and I think I've finally figured it out, entirely accidentally. I kind of stumbled upon the realization, but now I wonder how it was never obvious before.

I was sexually abused as a young girl. I never had any issues with my weight as a child. I was fairly thin, naturally (and also owing to my mum being pretty hard up financially):

Me in black in the middle, aged 10

I gained weight rapidly after the abuse stopped, when I was about 14 years old and I was very overweight until I was 16/17.

Me on the left, aged 15

Then by 18, I lost a lot of weight through starvation and extreme amounts of exercise:

I didn't give much thought as to why, to be honest, but I've yo-yo'd up and down since then. I was very overweight late last year, and now I'm getting to be a more 'normal' size. But I've been falling into bad habits this last few weeks...

It's like I know I'm sabotaging my hard work, but I go ahead and do it anyway. So, WHY? I think it has everything to do with my past. Recently, I have felt anxiety when I have noticed my slender wrists and veins in my hands. I've also noticed a few appreciative glances from men, and felt disturbed by it. I feel ANXIOUS about being slim. It wasn't your typical epiphany, it has taken me a while to slot the pieces together, but I'm starting to wonder: Perhaps what I am feeling anxious about, is being desirable?

It's not that I don't want to be attractive, I DO. A big motivator in my weight loss so far, has been wanting my husband to be attracted to me. But on a largely subconscious way, I am aware of anxiety around getting slim. The 'click' moment came while out running a little over a week ago, when I said to myself, "I'm vulnerable". And that's exactly it. I feel vulnerable because I am getting thin. I know it makes no sense, but I also know it makes me want to eat. Lots.

I am kicking myself. I don't want to be fat. I do want to be thin. I do want to be attractive. I do want to be healthy. But I feel like my weight protects me, if not from anything real then at least from anxiety. And there is, after all, nothing more deserving of fear than fear itself.

The last time I was out running, I got scared. Because it occurred to me that people might actually think to attack me now, and I didn't feel safe. Those thoughts had never entered my head when out running before. I've always felt empowered and strong when running - like I am a powerful and formidable force.

When I started to get scared I told myself I was being silly, and put it out of my mind until I got home (but I haven't been out running since). Until now, I hadn't put two and two together. I hadn't considered that there might be a connection between that fear, and my past or my new, slighter figure.

But now that I think about it... I believe that the fear of danger when out running has come about because I don't have the extra weight to protect me - because who would rape a fat girl, right? I know it doesn't make any sense. I know the weight doesn't really protect me, but I felt safe with it on and now I feel vulnerable. It's the only way that I can put it. I miss running... but something strong has held me back from getting out of the door for over a week now. I feel like I want to go, but I don't.

What a sucky, sucky place. I'm totally horrified at the idea of ending up back where I was: miserable with my weight, unhealthy, unattractive, self-loathing, not feeling worthy... But at the same time, I am very aware that I'm anxious and I feel vulnerable. I am sabotaging my diet, I'm not working out, I'm eating the wrong foods... I've had several, several thousand calorie binges lately, intentionally - I've gone to the shops specifically to buy binge foods. And done it in secret. I've spent so much money on food.

And on top of everything, putting two and two together and realizing this may be related to the abuse, has got me thinking about the past. And got me feeling angry and frustrated and depressed, that it feels like this will be a life-long battle, and that I will never truly be free of him. I feel like I'll always, on some level, no matter how much it seems that I'm 'better', be that abused little girl. A victim. And I just want to run to the shops and stuff my face until I'm numb inside.

Friday, 20 July 2012

Love Your Body - It's The Only One You've Got!

I'm on the final stretch of pre-wedding weight loss (sis-in-law's wedding, not mine) and I'm really pushing myself. I feel completely back to normal post-op, so I've been out pounding the pavement almost every day. I'm back to running and kickboxing. I smiled sweetly at hubby and got myself a bicycle and I've been walking everywhere, regardless of distance, regardless of having to sling one of my infants on my back when their legs get tired, regardless of weather - my car now lives on the driveway unless there is no safe pedestrian pathway.

And the more I exercise, the more I realize that I don't actually hate my body as it is. In fact, I feel like I'm falling in love with it!

I realise that, far from hating my body like I used to, I now respect and adore it, for it is my body as it is - not skinny, not especially fit, not toned, but - as it is, that powers me through runs, bike rides, long walks and work-outs. It is my current body, as it is, that is transforming me into my future, fit self. Nobody else can do this for me.

Last night I went for a long bike ride. I was overtaken by a 'proper' cyclist and I secretly decided to try to race him... and failed as, within seconds, he disappeared off of the edge of the horizon. It occurred to me then that, to serious runners and cyclists, I must look a bit silly and laughable. (That's not to say that I don't take my own exercise seriously - I do.) I don't mind being an obvious newb. I don't mind making mistakes and plodding along at a fraction of the speed of others who are out on the road: I enjoy riding my classic-looking, squeaky ladies bicycle (think, 'Call The Midwife') and I LOVE running. I might seem slow to others or have poor technique, and I huff and puff a lot due to my anemia, but I am beating my own records and to me it feels like I am racing the wind. I feel powerful and fierce, I feel like I am soaring! The whole world could be watching me, laughing and honking their car horns, and it wouldn't stop me. I've found something I really love in outdoor exercise, and I truly look forward to getting better and better!

Monday, 9 July 2012

Targets and LFCC.

One of the dates I was aiming to have lost a lot of weight by, the London Film and Comic Con, came and went yesterday. I am still over 3stone away from my goal weight. I really wanted to be happy with the photos of myself that I got out of the day but of a total of 20, I've put just 4 on Facebook.

Last year at this event I was 11st 7 and a size 12-14, now I am 13st and a size 16 - but I think the biggest difference is in my face:

Last year:


I had really wanted to get back to 11st 7 by this year, and back to looking like me again. But I have to look on the positive side - when I started trying to lose weight I was 14st 5, and I'm now 13st. I need to keep going!

I'm no longer doing the VLCD for mental health reasons. I'm eating healthily and exercising and I now have a month to the second target date (SILs wedding), and I'm hoping to have lost at least half a stone by then.

Monday, 18 June 2012


I totally fell of the wagon for a few days (diet AND exercise!) but the important thing is that I am back on it. Today is day 2. Yesterday I was 100% on my diet, and walked about 6 miles up hill. Today I am doing well so far on my diet, and just as soon as the delivery arrives that I am waiting for, I will be out of the door and off to the zoo with my three little sproglets.

The zoo is a great place to get exercise without even really realizing it - You spend all day walking up and down hills, but you hardly notice, as you get to see all the cutie animals on the way around. The kids all really enjoy this as a day out so it's perfect for me when I can't get hubby to watch the girls at all. He's away at conference until Friday so I won't get the chance to go on any evening walks this week. I'll have to be more active than usual with the girls in the day to make up for it.

Saturday, 9 June 2012

Juneathon update #004

Hurrah! I am finally feeling a little more normal, although I still get swelling and pain if I overdo things. So I'm still listening to my body and playing it by ear. (To bring new readers up to speed, I had an operation on 26th May, which I am still recovering from. While I am unable to join in with Juneathon by running every day, I am using it as an opportunity to monitor my activity, to ensure that I don't become a total couch potato while I recover.)

Today I have done the warm up from Kirsty Gallacher's Body Sculpt DVD and 10 minutes of Step Basics on Wii Fit. It's not a great deal and, to be honest, I could have done more.

I am hoping for good weather tomorrow as I'm planning on walking the 2 miles to church (and 2 miles back afterward). The weather would simply make this walk more pleasant - I still intend to walk if it's windy or raining. If you wait for the right conditions here, you will never get anything done...

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Juneathon update #003

Yesterday I went for a long walk in the countryside. It was a beautiful day and the children loved it. It took me over an hour, but I only covered 2 miles so it was a nice gentle pace. Today I feel quite sore but I'm determined to get some activity into my day. Even if it is just a few goes on the Wii Step basics. I refuse to let a single day go by where I am sat on my ass from dawn to dusk.

Monday, 4 June 2012

Juneathon update #002

So, I think I may have overdone things slightly. I've started to feel a lot of swelling and pain at the incision site of my operation. I said that I would listen to my body, and as such I haven't been as  active today or yesterday as I was on day 1.

I've managed 5 sets of 20laps very gently walking around the garden, and 5 sets of 10 minutes punching the air, just to keep a little bit active. I'm disapointed that I haven't managed to keep up the level of activity that I managed on day 1 of Juneathon but I must listen to my body. My hubby would be so unimpressed if I injured myself or jeopardized my healing. Really, I must listen to both my husband and my body. I want to get up and be active, but I will only do myself more harm than good if I am not sensible with it. Good things come to those who wait, I guess...

Saturday, 2 June 2012

Juneathon update #01

I am joining in with the Juneathon to help me keep track of my activity while I recover from medical surgery. I am not allowed to run for 8 - 10 weeks, and I really don't want my fitness to decline massively while I wait to be able to. Heavy lifting is also banned. I've decided to listen most to my body, and go from  there. Total inactivity is an absolute NON-option.

Yesterday I did 5 sets of 'step aerobics' on the Wii Fit spread out through the day, I used the warm up from Kirsty Gallacher's body sculpt DVD and completed 4 sets of 5 laps gently walking around my back garden and 3 sets of 20 minutes punching the air. I realize this sounds like hardly anything, but my operation was 6 days ago and pushing myself now won't achieve anything for my health in the long run.

I'm feeling a little more normal today so I've increased by sets of laps around to garden to sets of 10, though I'm still quite sore. I'm just going to keep on listening to my body and playing it by ear. As long as I'm not doing nothing, I'm doing something.

Friday, 1 June 2012

Juneathon? Count me in!

I've just learned about a little thing called, 'Juneathon'. The idea is that you run daily and blog about each run within 24 hours. Interested?

I can't participate with running as I am recovering from surgery, but I have signed up anyway. I plan to use Juneathon as an opportunity to set some small goals and to help ensure that I am keeping active while getting back on my feet.

"Are you hardcore enough to run and blog every day this month?" Sign up, and leave a comment below so that I can follow your Juneathon blog entries.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012


I'm currently recovering from surgery. An operation became necessary for my health, and I went under the knife on Saturday morning. I am sore, sore, sore.

I've been advised by my consultant, nurses and a physiotherapist that any heavy lifting, strenuous activity or exercise should be avoided for a minimum of 4 weeks, up to 10 weeks. So that throws a spanner in my works! My lovely plan of getting in shape for summer by regular running, long-distance walking and weekly kickboxing is a officially a no-go. I'm still allowed to walk as much as I am comfortable but unfortunately I'm not very comfortable at present.

Of course it is early days, and being told that walking can't do any harm provides some comfort to me in that, when I am feeling more able, at least I will be able to keep a little bit of this fitness that I have been working so hard for. I will be able to go for longer walks as I recover and, though I can't go running, a 5 mile walk three or four times a week should keep me from becoming the total couch potato that I was before I started the Couch to 5k program 5 months ago.

The weather has been so lovely as well - the evenings are very inviting. They almost beckon me forth to scramble out of my little blanket-nest-pit on the sofa, straighten myself down and step outside. Even if it's just one step for now, or two or three... It's something.

Monday, 14 May 2012

No weigh in this week

Yesterday was supposed to be Weigh In (WI) day. That didn't happen. My mum's partner asked if we could do it another day, as he needed to complete his tutor-marked assessment as part of his Open Degree. I can understand that having the 5 children (my 3, and my younger brother and sister) running excitedly around the house might have been a little distracting, so my mum and I agreed to WI next Sunday instead.

I was secretly relieved as Saturday was my husband's surprise 30th birthday party and I had made the decision that I was going to take the day off of my diet. I regretted eating. The food wasn't as great as I remembered or imagined it would be, and I was in flare up with my Crohn's disease all night and all of Sunday. I'm not beating myself up for 'falling off the wagon', though. After all, it didn't feel like a loss of control, but rather a bad decision. I knew what I was doing, weighed up the pros and cons and made the choice to break my diet. I was in total control. And I can learn from this.

From the full 7 days that I completed on the VLCD before Saturday, I have learnt that I can take or leave food. And that I can actually do this diet. I am a little nervous about how my gut will react to food when I refeed, and if I will instantly go into flare up when I am trying to eat solid food, but I'm trying not to think of that for now. For now I am getting some relief from the pain and sickness, and I am losing much needed weight along the way. I will cross all the other bridges when I come to them.

From eating on Saturday, and the pain and illness that followed, I have learnt that food is - without any doubt - not worth it.

Not weighing in was a bit of a bummer but it gives me a week to correct any damage done by my 'day off', to work out hard and to lose as much weight as possible.

Short term plan: Stick to VLCD 100% for the full week (No crafty splashes of milk in my tea!), work out 3 times a week, walk the school run (total 8 miles a day). See AMAZING results on WI day.

After that, I'm just taking each day and week as it comes for now.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Random things that motivate me #005


Although the reason behind me doing this VLCD was to ease my crohn's disease into remission, I have had to keep myself motivated in other ways to break my eating habits and, especially as I have started to feel better in my stomach, I've had to keep reminding myself of the various reasons that I am sticking to this diet - aside from preventing belly ache and bloating. One of the things that has kept me motivated the most this week has been my competitive nature.

My scales have broken so I have taken to weighing in every Sunday at my mum's house. My mum is also trying to lose weight. Last week when we weighed in she had lost 2 lbs and I had gained. The sense of competition and wanting to lose as much as, or more than, my mum has kept me on track this week and I have stuck rigidly to this Very Low Calorie No-Solid-Food Diet (Bar, one or two hot drinks that shouldn't strictly have had milk or sugar in. There have been no major slip-ups.). I am aiming for a really strong end to the week with no drinks other than water and my 3 VLCD shakes a day. I am eager to weigh in on Sunday and discover who has been the biggest loser!

Random things that motivate me #004


I felt particularly fat after my shower last week and decided to take a photo of myself to serve as a reminder. There have been a few times that I have been tempted to cheat on this diet, but looking at this photo is always enough to change my mind. I have a copy on my phone that goes everywhere with me and every time that I think about food, I look at this. I am reminded that the only person who I'd be cheating, by eating, is myself. I look at this and I reminded that food is just not worth it. It's not worth it at all...

Monday, 7 May 2012

VLCD Update

I've been on the liquid diet for a few days now and I have amazing news to update you with:

For the first time in a very long time, I am not in pain with my crohn's disease!

This is an amazing result in such a short space of time! It would seem that food really has been aggravating my symptoms. I can see why really, as the nature of crohn's disease is that my insides are inflamed and lined with aphthous ulcers. Everybody knows that mouth ulcers heal faster if they are not rubbing against anything else in the mouth, so it stands to reason that giving the ulcers inside of me a break from the friction of food moving over them will help them to heal. 

Over the last few days, I have only been tempted to eat food once. I actually thought about buying myself a veggie burger while on a day out, and for a time I was not sure what I was going to do. It was touch and go, but I then realised that I simply had to decide that I was not going to eat, and after that it was easy. At the end of that day I was so proud of myself for having made the right choice. I feel certain that it would not have tasted as nice as I was imagining it to be, and I can only imagine how bad I would have felt in myself if I had given in to temptation on day two! It would have been full of gluten as well so it would have really made my tummy bloat out, and would have caused me a lot of pain.

Now that my stomach is feeling better, it is important that I remember just how poorly I've been over these past few months. I need to keep telling myself that eating will probably make me feel like that again. I'm quite excited at the possibility that this diet may get my crohn's disease completely into remission!

As well as the health benefits, I am now starting to get really excited about finally seeing some great results with my weight loss. I weigh in next Sunday at my mum's house (my own scales are broken so I can't take any sneaky peaks!) and I'm really hoping to see a significant loss. Although this 'lifestyle change'-now-cum-diet has always been first and foremost about getting healthy, my weight has also been an issue for me for a long time.

The next few days should be relatively easy for me in terms of sticking to the diet, as my husband is on leave from work until Thursday. I haven't been tempted to binge yet (touch wood), but if I do feel the urge, it should be easier to ignore, or, rather, harder to listen to with him around, as I only ever binge in private.

There are a few aspects of this diet that I am finding more difficult than the actual abstinence of food itself. For a start, I feel very irritable and find it hard to concentrate or think straight, the amount of water that I need to drink makes me need to pee like Seabiscuit, which is rather uncomfortable, and while we're on the subject of drinking, I am really, really missing tea and coffee!

I'm trying only to drink water as, while I am technically doing this diet to give my stomach a rest from solid food, I know that I will see the best weight loss results if I stick rigidly to the VLCD rules. I feel quite tired and drained at times, probably due to caffeine withdrawal, but most of all I miss the social, habitual and comforting nature of drinking tea and coffee. I think that I could live without food forever, if I could drink as much tea and coffee as I liked.

All in all I am feeling very positive and determined, and my stomach feels a lot better for not having food passed through it. It's all good for now!

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Serious change, Drastic measures...

It is time to face facts. The 'Eat-Less-Move-More' lifestyle changes that I have made are not working. I am still weighing in at 14 stone and I am sick. I am about as far away from 'healthy' right now as it is possible to be.

To bring everybody up to speed with my health situation, I have Hypothyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian  Syndrome and Crohn's disease, which all work against me in my attempt to lose weight. The Hypothyroidism isn't well controlled currently; We're still trying to work out the right dose of levothyroxine for me to be on, and an underactive thyroid unfortunately does cause weight gain. On top of this I am on a cocktail of steroids for my Crohn's disease, which all list "Weight Gain" amongst their most common side effects. It's all good fun, eh?

I, along with Dr G (my gastroenterologist), am really struggling lately with trying to get the Crohn's disease into remission. Prednisolone (a strong steroid with nasty side effects) hasn't worked and almost everything that I eat is making me feel sick. I have extensive villous atrophy and am, as a consequence, not absorbing any nutrition from the food that I eat. I feel like I could really benefit from just giving my gut a rest from trying to digest food altogether.

It is based on that feeling, that I have made the big decision to try a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD). This will be a liquid-only diet. It's extreme, and goes against all that I have been trying to achieve here in this blog (eating healthy, normal portion sizes and making good food choices - not allowing myself to fall into either extreme of binging or starving myself), however I feel at this point that giving my stomach a rest from solid food will be the best thing for me. It will hopefully give my digestive system time to recover and opportunity for inflammation to settle down.

The VLCD products that I will be using are nutritionally complete shakes and soups that, across the course of 3 packets a day, will provide my body with complete nutrition in minimal calories, no solids and with as little irritation or aggravation to my gut as possible.

I've previously believed that VLCD's are not suitable for me, due to my history - my urges to binge and starve (and purge), but I have proved to myself over the last 4 months that I am in control of my diet and I am capable of making good, healthy food choices. And I will go back to this healthy lifestyle once I reintroduce proper food to my diet later on.

I would not chose a VLCD purely as a means to lose weight. I think the best way for me to 'diet' would be to continue on with healthy food choices, controlled portion sizes, mindful eating, calorie counting and regular exercise, but this is not working for me right now due to my poor health, uncontrolled hypothyroidism and the medication that I am on.

I am aware that starting on a VLCD may trigger my bing-purge behaviour, but at the moment I trust myself that I am assertive enough to recognize if that occurs, and be honest with myself that if that is the case, VLCD is not for me and I will have to try a different approach.

That said, I think I will find a the diet relatively easy to stick to at the moment. I am so desperate with my illness and I am in so much pain that I don't want to eat anything. And I am so fatigued and generally unwell. Lately, eating anything solid seems to make these symptoms flare up big time. I need some relief. For this simple reason, that I am feeling so unwell, I don't think there will be an issue with me wanting to binge while on the diet. I obviously won't know until I try, but if I start to feel negative urges again I will have to reconsider whether this is something that I can afford to do, emotionally or psychologically.

I'm trying to set off with a positive mental attitude, though and I'm really hopeful that not eating will give me some relief from my Crohn's symptoms and help aid the steroids in getting me into remmission.

On another plus side of course weight loss will be a massive benefit as I've been at a standstill since I regained back to 14stone. Aaaanyway, that's the plan for now! I may not stick to this diet for long as, if I start to recognize I'm not coping and it's doing me harm mentally, I'll have to give it up. However I am hoping that as I am doing this diet for health reasons, and because I feel so ill that I don't even want to eat most of the time anyway, that it won't be an issue. Fingers crossed that this works out!

Monday, 23 April 2012

Random things that motivate me #003

My 'fat face' made on my brothers' iPhone:

Still running, and this is why:

When running, it can seem as though the whole world is ahead of you, and gives a unique sense of being able to achieve just about anything:

And in seconds you can look back over your shoulder and see how far you've come in such little time:

I love this. I am not talented enough, as a writer, to put into words the feeling that I experienced on this particular run, so I hope the photos can go part way to demonstrating what I mean.

The images above were taken toward the end of an amazing run. Across 10 miles, I was running toward sunny, blue skies - with dark clouds and what looked like rain behind me. I managed to stay ahead of the rain right up until I reached the main road on my way back home. Rain did eventually catch up with me, and I got caught in a thunder storm, but there was something pretty glorious about running through that in itself. It was such fun!

As I explained in this post, I no longer run with single aim of 'getting skinny' in mind. For many different reasons, I no longer force myself out of the door but I look forward to getting my training shoes on and am eager to set foot on my running routes. In fact the only reason that I don't run more than I do, is because I feel guilty about leaving the children so often.

I discover, almost every time that I hit the road, that I am getting some fresh enjoyment from running. I find that I am running for new and differing reasons to what I had considered before. On my run yesterday, when I covered 10 miles in the comfortable pace of 3.5 hours, I discovered the solid sense of ability, confidence and accomplishment that can come from running.

Although I usually hate photos of myself, and the above is a particularly 'bad' photo with messy hair and chubby cheeks, I took this in a moment when I felt on top of the world, and seeing this photo makes me really happy. I cherish this time. This is 'my' time. If I had to put into words how I feel about running at the moment, I would say that I'm falling in love with it.

Doing the Salmon Dance

This really is begining to feel like a very long battle. I feel like I'm trying to swim against the tide. I had a repeat blood test last week that showed that my hypothyroidism is not yet quite controlled, which, according to my GP, will be making it harder for me to lose weight. On top of this I had an appointment with Dr G last week where I was told that the Budesonide that I was on hadn't worked and the inflammation inside me was increasing. Because of this I am now having to take Prednisolone, a different type of steroid. Unfortunately a side effect of this medication is weight gain. The last thing I need. I've only been taking Pred for a week and already I've gained weight. I am now back up to 14st, or 196lbs.

I'm determined not to feel defeated, though. Although the weather has been bad, so my recent relative inactivity may have contributed to my weight gain in part, I haven't changed my diet since starting Prednisolone, so I can only assume that the new medication and my badly behaving thyroid gland are largely responsible for the pounds creeping back on. While the temptation is there to say, 'To hell with it then! It doesn't matter what I do - I'm never going to shift this weight. What's the point?', the point is this:

If I am gaining weight on <1500 kcals a day, what is going to happen if I start eating mindlessly again?

For the first time in a long time, I am actually constantly mindful of what I am consuming. I think about eating healthily, portion sizes, not eating out of habit or boredom etc. I think about these things every day. This is still the longest that I have ever stuck with anything like this. I am reluctant to call it a 'diet', but if that is what it is, it's the longest I've ever stuck to one.

I'm afraid that if I drop these lifestyle changes that I have worked so hard to bring about, I'll never be able to pick them back up again. So while I may not be seeing great results at the minute, it's worth sticking out. It's about damage control. It's about keeping 'healthy' at the front of my mind. It's about maintaining, and continuing to strive for a better, healthier version of myself.

I am frustrated and fed up with my body, and how long this is taking, and how hard it is, but I am as determined and motivated as I ever have been.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Random things that motivate me #002

Summer and Events

The summer is fast approaching. I want to be able to wear shorts when it's too hot for jeans, without feeling that I'm embarrassing myself and my husband or kids.

On top of this, summer seems to be the time when people want to invite you to BBQ's and take photographs of you in their garden. The last thing that I want is photos of me popping up on facebook, that make me wish the earth would open and swallow me up.

I have two events this summer, which I would actually love to be able to get some photographs of myself at that I like. The first is the London Film and Comic Con (LFCC).

Me at the LFCC in the summer of 2011, when I weighed around 11st 7lbs.

Last year when I attended this event, I actually liked the photographs of me that came out of it. I'd love to be able to say the same this year, but I have gained at least 2 stone since then. I have purchased a ticket for myself to be photographed with Anthony Stewart Head, so I really want to feel happy with the way that I look at this event.

The second event that will be highly photographed is the wedding of my Sister-In-Law. I really want to be able to wear a nice dress and feel confident on my husband's arm and in the photographs.

Each time that I think of putting gluteny foods or high calorie junk in my mouth, I think about how I want to look at these events and in photographs afterwards, and it helps me to put the food back down and step away.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Overdue update

I've neglected my blog recently, but my mind has still be on the task of changing my lifestyle around and being healthy. I've been keeping a daily diary on paper, of my goals for the day and whether I meet them.

So how have I been getting on? I've been loving the sunshine and longer evenings for long walks and gentle jogs. Unfortunately I've been struck down with a nasty virus this week, but on the plus side the lbs have been dropping off! Now that I'm feeling a little better, I have the added motivation to keep up the good work as I don't really want to pile those lbs back on. I've not been starving while I've been poorly, I've just had little appetite so I've been eating much smaller portions and not eating excessively, so I hope to continue this as it evidently does work.

I do need to get back into updating my myfitnesspal diary daily, as I have been falling short here and I need to keep track of those calories. I might also start updating this diary every day, in the same fashion that I've been using my paper journal (simple list of goals and whether I've achieved them or not).

I ran the sport relief mile on Sunday but, although I was happy with my fitness level for the run, I look so FAT in the photos of the event. This is all just more motivation to keep going. I also bought myself some new running trousers. They're lovely and comfortable but they are literally skin tight - you can see every ripple, lump, bump and wobble through the material - It's like running naked! I definitely need to keep going to fix this!

The really good news is I've managed to find a sort of consistency. I'm regularly active - even if it's just a 30 minute walk. I'm conscious of my eating every day rather than just mindlessly scoffing, and I am pretty sure I'm eating less, though I need to update MFP more often to be sure that my calories aren't creeping up. I've also managed to kick the gluten out of my diet! I've been gluten free for over a fortnight now, and I feel great for it.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

I'm back, I'm focussed, I'm good

I finally snapped myself out of it (for meaning of 'it', see previous post). I feel focussed, positive and determinate. I've decided to try not to look at huge, far away goals. I am taking this in sets of 10 days, one day at a time. I now have a chart  on my kitchen wall, split into 10 days (day 1, day 2, day 3 etc) with each day having a checklist. When I reach day 10, I'll start a new chart, at day 1 again. If it's only 10 days, it feels doable. So long as each day I tick off every item on the list, I should continue to make progress, improve my fitness and see a good, steady weight loss. Just one day at a time.

My ticklists contain things that I should be doing, but haven't been strict enough on myself about such as:

Day one

Remember to take medications
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 2

Remember to take medications
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 3

Remember to take medications
120minutes walking (brisk pace)
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 4

Remember to take medications
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 5

Remember to take medications
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten get the idea. I have a plan. I have the determination to stick to this plan. It should work. Fingers crossed. I'll let you know how I get on.

Friday, 9 March 2012

Bear with me

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm in a deep pit of self-misery and despair. I'm sure I'll wade out the other side soon. I need to surround myself with good, healthy, positive role-models, I think. There are too many people fasting around me and going about this unhealthily... I feel like saying, "Screw it all!", and throwing in the 'healthy' towel - It's covered in misery-mud anyway. It's not quick enough. I really never want to eat again at the moment. I'm sorry, I did say I was feeling miserable! Hopefully my healthy approach will return soon once I have surrounded myself with healthy, positive people. I just feel stuck in a rut, and totally despaired.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Random things that motivate me #001

People from my past.

Be it friends I've lost touch with, enemies(!), exes, people I really liked but never really struck up a friendship with or people I really DIDN'T like, I always think, "If I should bump into one of them tomorrow... Would I be happy with the way that I look now?" At the moment the answer is no, but it really motivates me to lose this excess weight so that hopefully one day I'll bump into somebody from my past and I'll be a really healthy-looking size 10 and look amazing. I don't know why this will bring me satisfaction, but I know that it will. On that note, I'm off to get an early night before my 4 mile power walk followed by C25K run tomorrow morning.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Why Run?

There have got to be lots of ways to get fit, right? If you're interested in why I chose running, or you're thinking of starting to run, here are my personal reasons to run:

  • Convenience. Running is something I can do on my own, with no equipment required (except for my super cushy springy runny shoes). It is something I can do as much or as little of as I please, or am able to fit in. I am able to make my own schedule, make my own rules, be my own fitness coach. I am able to slip in to my running shoes while my husband distracts our little ones, and be out of the door in 3 minutes before any of them notice. I can be back in 30 minutes, having completed my work out for the day, before my children have the chance to actually miss me.  If I want to run longer, I can go out after bedtime and enjoy the evening air. It's liberating. It's exhilarating. It's freedom. It's MY time. And I own it.
  • Running feels good. Believe it or not, once you get past the first few hard runs, you stop forcing yourself to go out the door and you get to a point where you can barely wait to get out there! Running is addictive. It feels good. This is because of endorphins. These little feel-good chemicals are released in our bodies when we run. Endorphins are well-known to help relieve stress (and even ease the symptoms of depression). When I run, I feel good for hours afterwards. More than, 'good', I feel almost euphoric. I feel positive, excited, in control... elated. You've heard of 'runners' high', right? Well, it actually exists! It is a highly motivating influence in getting me out of the door each day.
  • Self-esteem. Running helps me to feel good about myself. I am actively doing something to help improve my health and my fitness level. I am tackling my weight problem in a healthy and sensible way. I am in control. I am making positive changes, setting myself goals and meeting them. I am achieving. 
  • Me-time. Being a mum of 3 tiddlers, I don't often get much 'me-time'. When I am running, it is my time. It is my time to think about whatever I would like to, or to think of nothing at all. When running I can clear my mind and just enjoy the pounding of my feet upon the pavement. When I am running, my only responsibility is to myself. I do not need to think about what the children are doing, what the house looks like, or anything at all. All I need to do, is complete my run. I love this. This is my time.
  • Getting outside. It sounds corny, and maybe it is, but when I run I feel 'connected' in some way. I am outdoors, with the wind brushing through my hair, I can breath in fresh air while my feet tread over dirt or grass, while I run past trees and flowers and birds... Running outside connects you to nature and brings a new appreciation for the outdoors. Corny, but true. You might not realise how much you can appreciate 'nature' until you get out there and experience it regularly.
  • Improvement. Achievement. When running, I can set myself goals and achieve them. I can aim to run further, or faster. I can achieve. I can aspire. I can better myself. I can see myself improve. I am limitless. I am free. There is nothing that is beyond my capabilities, I can do anything. Running puts me in a position of power, and shows me just how much I can make of myself. Running is 'me' becoming the best version of myself.
That is why I run. When I started running, my only reason was, "to lose weight", but I discovered that there are much more compelling reasons to get out there and get running. Why don't you give it a go yourself, and find out why YOU run?

Thursday, 23 February 2012

My Mini Goals

  1. Update this blog more regularly
  2. Complete my Food Diary on MyFitnessPal every day
  3. Go running at least 4 days out of the week
  4. If there is a safe pedestrian path, walk it.
  5. Start and complete the '30 Day Shred' DVD.
  6. Work on the speed of my running.
  7. Improve on the time taken to walk in to Twin Club and toddler groups.

A Penny Drops...

I have felt very motivated since I last posted. I think it is due to a new perspective that I have adopted. That new perspective is to do with 'this' not being about 'skinny' anymore, but about being healthy. That in mind, I have traded my car in for my legs and I am walking wherever possible. The distance doesn't matter - If there is a safe pedestrian footpath all the way there, the car stays at home.

I suddenly realised I don't need to depend on my husband to babysit so that I can go running, or wait until the children are all in bed (when I may be too tired) to do an exercise DVD: I can get exercise every day just by walking instead of driving! I got my car less than 2 years ago, and since then I have gained about 3.5 stone. I think my body may be trying to tell me something! It's time I pricked up my ears and really listened to what my body is saying.

Just to prove what I am saying is true, here is a photo of me when I was pregnant with my twins, before I started driving:


I wasn't on any special diet to keep my weight in check. I didn't ever think about what I ate - I just used to walk everywhere. I think walking is under-rated as exercise goes, so I'm giving it a real go leaving the car at home at every opportunity.

I think the penny has finally dropped, that could make all the difference for me now. It's not about getting thin anymore, it's about getting healthy - and I've really surprised myself in realising that I want that much more than I care about what my body looks like! Losing weight will be a bonus. A big bonus, but it's not the focal point. Getting fit is. And being healthy.

When I was in college, I used to get up at 6 every day to jog the 16 miles there. Then I'd get the bus home, have dinner, and get on my bike to cycle 16 miles to my boyfriend's house - and cycle back again afterwards, too. I loved exercise and being active, and I want to get back to that. When I started college and started walking and cycling everywhere, I dropped 5 dress sizes (went from an 18 to an 8) without even trying OR noticing. I just noticed the fitness aspect and how much I was enjoying myself and loving the exercise and the 'runners high' that I used to get.

As I'm becoming more active now, it's all flooding back. The post-run-euphoria, the enjoyment of walking for miles in the evening sunshine, the sense of satisfaction upon arriving after working hard to get somewhere. I've found that I don't care quite so much about 'skinny' anymore. I want to be fit and healthy. That's what I really care about.

And I think that's what's kept me on track since I last posted as well. I don't think 'skinny' is a realistic, healthy or sustainable goal or motivator, because it's long-term, it's too far off in the future. I think I would grow bored or frustrated if skinny was my only goal, and would be at risk of giving up long before my goal was within grasp. Because I'm the type of person who has to see results to keep myself in the game. Fitness and Health are long-term goals but they are ongoing goals as well. I can see results each time it easier to walk that distance, each time I walk a little further, run a little faster, get less out of breath... I can see my improvement in bite sizes and can set mini-goals along the way as well that will keep me motivated and on-course.

So, with these mini-motivating-goals in mind, I have decided to enter this: It gives me something to think and work and train towards. It's not until October, so I have plenty of time to train, prepare and make sure that I am capable. I'll only go for the 6.55km as it's the first event like this that I'll have entered. Next year I can go for 13km or 26 depending on how fit I am by then. I feel very excited thinking about all that is to come - my growing fitness, entering events, being fit enough to run these long distances. Any weight lost will be a bonus in my eyes. But it's not what it's about. Not anymore.

It really helps to have a goal, which is ongoing. It's no good having a goal like, "Skinny". Skinny is not my friend. So, I get skinny.... then what? I stop trying and put weight on again? Skinny is not my goal. Healthy is. And in my goal being to be healthy, it means I am not on a diet. I am not running to get skinny. I am running to be healthy and eating healthy foods that will nourish my body and give me energy. It is a lifestyle change and it is a lifeLONG change.

This thought used to fill me with dread. I used to sit and think, "I can never eat like I want to again - Even once I am skinny, I'll have to stay on a diet for the rest of my life, or I'll just get fat again!". Now I think about my healthy future, being a fit and keen running person... and I am excited! I want to be that person! As Winston Churchill said, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal; It is the courage to continue that counts". This is ongoing. I am turning my life around. I may well have some days where I don't get out there and run like I should, or where I take the car down the road into town rather than walking it, or where I eat gluten or sit on the couch all day - But failure is not fatal, because I can pick it up where I left off. I have the courage to continue. My goal (success - skinny?) is not final - My goal is ongoing. My goal is continuance.

I can't wait to enjoy the rest of my life as a fit, active and healthy person. Right now, I put on my running clothes and I'm aware I look ridicules at a size 16 with a bulging belly and wobbly thighs, but it's all for a purpose, and when I hit the street eventually in size 10 running clothes to go for a 10k run, people who sniggered at me now will not be sniggering then.

Monday, 13 February 2012

Tracking my progress.

Weight at Start of Blogging:


Weigh in at Two Weeks in:




It may be taking time, but I'm getting there :-)

My journey to hell and back again. That little devil on my shoulder sure is persistent!

I've been AWOL for a little while. I found myself in a bit of a depressive rut last week... I realised just HOW fat I am, and how far I had to go, and how long it is going to take me, and felt a bit overwhelmed by it all. I missed junk food and felt sorry for myself, but when I indulged in the desire to eat bad foods I felt even WORSE about myself and really wanted some comfort from it all.

Matters have been made worse by the fact that I've had to take a break from the couch to 5k programme that I've been following. For over a week now it has been bitterly freezing cold outside and on Sunday 5th January snow fell and settled at a depth of about 2ft. I have been literally unable to go out running, and taking a break after I was progressing so well has been devastating. I feel like I will have to start again and all my hard work has been undone. The snow is only just starting to melt now, that and the very low temperatures mean that for now I am still unable to get back out there.

On the 10th of February, I posted this to a forum where there are a few of us trying to get fit and healthy:

"I'm really struggling! With the cold and snow meaning I've not been able to go for a run I feel a bit down and I've been turning to food for comfort! I've been stuffing myself with gluten-heavy foods that cause my tummy to swell and I feel so fat. I keep drinking caffeine, too. I've managed to stay off the Pepsi, but drinking way too much coffee. I need to get back on track but, much as I hate my body at the moment, I just feel too miserable to do something about it. I feel like all my motivation and energy is draining away! I need to get running again. I miss my regular shot of endorphins!"
And then yesterday I dug out the old Wii Fit. I'd not used it for a good few months and, when I stepped on to do the 'body test', it told me that I had gained 2stone and 7lbs. I felt devastated and like I never wanted to look at food again. I felt utterly fed up at this point and like I knew what I had to do, but it felt like it was just too much hard work. I don't want to be obese for the rest of my life, but for a moment there I seriously considered giving up and just accepting that this was the way I was going to be. It felt easier than trying to change.

I think that my failure of the 'Exante' diet may have had something to do with the rapid weight gain I've experienced since the summer. I tried this very low calorie soup and shake (and no food!) diet. It worked for a time, but I very quickly gained all the weight back and more. Rebound weight. What a bitch, eh? I realised again that I need to learn to eat properly, or else I'll just keep swinging between starvation and mass over eating. This is a cycle that needs to be broken.

So yesterday I decided to suck it up and try to focus on my calorie counting again. I managed to keep myself motivated throughout the day and easily stuck below my 1200 calorie goal. I also 'worked out' for a lot of the day on Wii Fit, playing it in multiplayer mode with my children.

And today I am back in the game! After a week of misery and despair, I finally feel like I'm back in control. My motivation and positivity are returning in full force - hopefully they'll stick around this time! Thankfully I don't think that I did any damage last week to the work that I had already done. I weighed in today at 13st 8.4lbs! So I've lost another lb since I last weighed in. As I was expecting to have gained, it was a lovely surprise!

I am happy to report that I am back on track, I've not lost anything by taking a week to feel sorry for myself, and I'm going for my goals. Fingers crossed I don't slip off the waggon again!

Friday, 3 February 2012

Runner's High, Endorphins and Eliza Dusku

I came across this picture when searching for Eliza Dushku pictures for some inspiration. I loved her as Faith in 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', and Missy in 'Bring It On'. I think her body is to die for. She's not crazy-skinny, and shes always looked so athletic and, above all, healthy. I would be a very happy bunny if I looked anything like the above picture - toned and slim.

But it's the caption I love the most.

"I'm addicted to endorphines: good, clean, healthy and free!"

I have experienced "runner's high" myself and can vouch for how good it feels. Why not feel like that every day? It's good, it's clean, it's healthy, it's free - AND it will help me achieve my weight loss / body goals. I think I'll go out for a run tonight. I don't care how cold it is. 


I feel a lil' slimmer again this week. Perhaps I'll take some more progress photos after the weekend. I'm going to work even harder at my weight loss for a couple of weeks, though as a good friend of mine has asked me to take my children swimming with her on 15th February. If I'm going to be seen in public, wearing anything less than a baggy jumper and trousers, I'll want to look as UNfat as possible! So I'll be cutting out fruit squash and tea and only drinking water, and when it's too cold to go running I'm going to have to work out inside instead to keep burning the calories!

It's quite nice having a near, mini-motivator, though rather than looking ahead at the full 51lbs that I have to lose! I think after I reach the 15th, I'll set fortnightly mini goals to keep me motivated...

Monday, 30 January 2012

A knife edge...

I'm doing well... ish. I have good days, very good days and, very occasionally, I have a few bad days as well. I feel as though a healthy, skinny me is just within my grasp. If I only make a few right choices now, I'll be able to reach out and hold 'skinny' in my hands - at last, and for good!

But at the moment I feel like I'm balancing precariously on a knife edge.  On one side of me lies a serene path of success, good health, fitness, well being, and a solid sense of self-worth. This is a path that, once I'm soundly on my way, I reckon I could follow for the rest of my life, without wavering. A simple path. A sustainable path. Watching my calories and working out. Easy, right?

On the other side, however, lays a path that scares me, and thrills me. This path is fasting, restricting, dropping weight FAST and NOW and seeing change. I do know restricting doesn't work for me - I end up binging BIG TIME. I don't mean falling off the diet waggon and eating a chocolate bar or two. I mean binging on 10,000+ calories at a time. A bag of doughnuts. And a box of cereal. And everything that I have in my cupboards and / or fridge. Going shopping to replace everything and buying bags of popcorn and crisps at the same time, eating those in the car before we even set off from the supermarket.  Then going to pizza hut, and getting a Chinese on the way home. In my experience, restricting always leads to binging. It may not be immediate, but if I go down this path, the binge will follow. I know this, and yet the idea of restricting and fasting still tempts me - It taunts me.

And then directly beneath me, should I fall off of this knife edge and miss either path entirely, lays a life of obesity, misery, failure; a still, sedentary lifestyle. No self-esteem. Worn and jaded, faded self-worth. That's not me. I refuse to allow this to become me. Obesity, an underactive thyroid and fat-induced-infertility will not overcome me. I will overcome these things and become a better, thinner person in the process.

I know which path I want to take... but sometimes I feel like I'm frozen to the spot. Afraid of failure. Afraid to move in case I lose my balance and fall in the wrong direction. I know now that I can lose weight by calorie counting and exercising. I've seen it happen over the last few weeks. But it's slow - agonisingly slow. I could keep this up and become slimmer, fitter, healthier - eventually. But as the weight starts to shift, I become impatient. I want to be thinner - not later - now. I want to see the number on the scales fall daily  - not ticking over, at a rate of maybe a lb a week.

I know that the sort of change I'm dreaming of is not sustainable, and I will end up binging, and getting fatter than ever, and having to start again. I must keep this in mind because today I found myself perusing 'ProAna' blogs. I didn't go looking for them. And it's not like I want the disorder back. I stumbled upon them. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. You don't want to look, but you can't tear your eyes away either.

I do know the reality of anorexia / bulimia. I overcame it once and I'll be damned if I have to do it again. I do remember the binging, purging, self-hatred... the constant sense of failure, of not quite being thin enough... the obsession, the constant thinking about food, and weight, and portion sizes and weighing out foods. The consumption - I'm not meaning consuming foods, but being consumed by a force that will bind you in its grip and not let you go.

But it's like my mind has glamorised the disorder somewhere along the way - Instead of looking back and seeing clearly how I was controlled by my disordered way of eating and my distorted self-image, I look back and I remember the feeling of success after getting through a week of not eating. The feeling of power and control when the number on the scales fell... And that little voice in the back of my mind - the devil on my shoulder if you like - whispers, "If you just restrict for one week, you could loose half a stone, take it from there... It's a push in the right direction, get a bulk out the way and then go back to calorie counting. Exert some control. Show yourself you're in charge... Show yourself how much willpower you can have. You'll feel better when you can see how much smaller you're getting." It's a slippery slope.

I can see that if I carry on as I have been, I could change for life. I could be fit, and healthy - and thin! I could be a runner, I could have another baby, I could learn how to never get fat like this again. I could learn how to enjoy foods AND lose weight. You can actually eat quite a lot in a day with 1200 calories, and I know I'll lose weight, too... But I think that's the part my mind struggles with. Is this too easy? Could I be doing more? Could I be getting thinner, quicker?

No. I turn my face away from disordered eating. I think about how SICK I will feel with myself when I try to fast and then end up binging on a week's worth of food in one sitting. I choose control - real control. I choose a steady success and consistent change. I chose slowly moving on, 1200 calories, one day at a time. And one step at a time, I will run to a healthier me.

I face you, temptation, and I turn away again. You are not good for me. That voice that says, "Just one week of fasting" is just as evil as the one that says, "Start your diet again tomorrow". Both would see me fail in this. And I will not be beaten by the devil on my shoulder. I'm stronger than that.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

I did it!

I've been attempting the 'NHS Couch to 5k' for 2 weeks now... Today, I finally managed to complete the Week 1 podcast. And it felt easy! I could have kept going - I wanted to keep going! I don't know if that's the thyroxine working its magic, or my persitence and determination finally improving my stamina. Either way, I feel so much fitter now than when I first started out.

My diet is going well. I'm easily sticking below 1600 calories every day. And best of all, I feel good about myself. I've wanted to change for so long now and I'm finally doing it - I'm actually doing it!

So, what do we reckon? Time for progress photos? I think so!

















I think there is a slight visible difference, but even if I can't see it yet, I feel so much healthier - and so much better about myself! When I started Couch to 5k, only 2 weeks ago, I could barely get through the warm up walk. Today I was able to complete the week 1 podcast, and could have gone on longer! I'm excited to get out and go for my run - I don't feel like I'm forcing myself anymore. And generally, I have so much energy - the horrible fatique that I've been living with for the last year or two is surely fading away...

The scales are testifying my hard work and success as well:

Starting weight:


Weight at last weigh in:


I need to weigh in again, soon. I'll also take my measurements before my next blog entry here and see if there's been any change in the inches!

I feel 100% determined to see this through, and I can't wait to see where I am this time next year.

Friday, 20 January 2012


If anybody is interested in my food diary as I lose weight, here's the link to my MFP account, where I input all of my food and exercise:

I've had a few stressful days, which have been bad for my diet. But that said I've been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and potentially polycystic ovarian syndrome (waiting for more tests to confirm). This is a massive motivating factor for weight loss as I'd love to have another baby, and I don't think I can until I shed a good 20lbs at least.

PCOS aside, it would be most ideal to lose the extra weight before concieving again in any case. So that's my plan. If you're a member on myfitness pal, feel free to friend me - My username is 18to8FatToThin. Hope to see you over there.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Ah crap...

I completely fecked up my diet today. Massive binge. I was doing so well as well! I felt really motivated this morning and when I weighed in this afternoon I discovered that I had lost 5lbs! I don't know what went wrong... I don't even know why I did it. I wasn't even hungry. I'm so angry with myself!

But I'm trying not to let it get the better of me. I just need to get back on track now and make sure it doesn't happen every day!

I'm trying to keep my motivating quotes at the front of my mind...

Yesterday you said

Just do it.

and remember that doughnuts and junk food will still be there when I'm skinny - if I want it!

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Running, running, running...

I'm plowing ahead with the couch to 5K. Running.

Running is hard. If I don't have the right attitude I can see myself feeling frustrated and defeated, so I'm trying hard to keep the positive mental attitude. The thing with running is, and I know this from experience, if you stick at it your fitness very quickly improves.

For the last 2 years I've lived a very sedentary lifestyle. I've also put a lot of weight on. I am really unfit right now. Today was my 3rd run in 5 days, using the NHS couch to 5K podcast. On my first run I managed three 60 second runs (just about) with two reps of 90 second walks between and I felt ILL afterwards. My vision was blurred, my head was pounding, I felt sick and dizzy and faint. And TOTALLY defeated.

Still I got out again the next day and managed 2 reps with a lot less effort in terms of cardio and lung-exhaustion. I felt like I could have gone on but unfortunately my legs hurt badly and I had to come home and stretch it out to prevent injury.

I went out again today, after a two day break, and managed 6 reps of runs and 5 walks between. I felt like I hit that perfect balance between pushing myself and sitting in my comfort zone. I wasn't totally exhausted.

I'm confident that either tomorrow or the next day i'll be able to complete the week 1 track. I'll count that as the start of week 1 and I'll move onto week 2 after 7 days of completing the first track. I know that it is key to work within my own limits but I want to push myself enough that I'm making progress and improving my fitness. So far I think I'm managing this well.

The Dreaded Before Photos

In my Running Gear:






And some more 'honest' shots:





Let's hope that a year from now it's a very different image!

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Measuring up

Here's how I measure up on day 1:

Upper arms: 14inches

Bust: 42inches

Waist: 48inches

Love Handles: 52inches

Hips: 48inches

Thighs: 29inches

Weight: 14stone 5lbs or a total 201lbs!

Gosh! It's even worse when you write it down. 'Before' photos to follow shortly...

A Public Place

The purpose of this blog is to publish my fatty photos, in a totally honest - totally public - way. I hope this will give me the motivation to slim down and tone up!

Presently I am starting out on couch to 5k, weight training and a lower calorie diet in what I wish was my first attempt to lose weight.

After warming up appropriately with stretches and gentle exercises, I went on my first run today using the NHS podcast couch to 5k, which is intended for slobbish couch potatoes like myself. I felt totally exhausted by the end of the 5 minute 'warm up' walk, with burning lungs and blurred vision. Who knew that I was THAT unfit!? I managed 3 reps of 60 second jog followed by 90 second power walk, before I waddled home feeling sore, wobbly and totally defeated. Memories of an obese 15 year old me passing out after level 2 of the bleep test came flooding back...

Still, I am determined not to be beaten. I will try again tomorrow.

Fatty photos to follow.............................................................................................................................