tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83353816819564351982024-03-13T22:58:38.798-07:0018 to 8 - The journey of fat to thin!FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-72003591751688338232012-10-12T09:39:00.000-07:002012-10-12T09:39:43.917-07:00Childhood sexual abuse, obesity as protection and anxiety around weight loss... <br />I have always watched programs like 'The Biggest Loser' and 'Supersize VS Superskinny', and - I admit - kind of rolled my eyes when they get to parts where they dig out old photos and go into the emotional reasons behind their over-eating. I would sit there thinking that it was all over-dramatized for the benefit of the camera and the audience. I'd sit there saying to the screen, "Yeah, right - You just like eating too much and you know it!".<br />
<br />However, I say this now with shame and sobriety, as I believe that I have discovered in my past, a major key to my obesity and weight gain. I understand now that a persons' past, their subconscious, their fears and doubts may contribute to their eating habits, as may well be the case for me. <br /><br /> I have
yo-yo'd up and down before and just put it down to low will power,
enjoyment of food, comfort eating, lack of self discipline, etc, which,
in part, it is. But I now believe that there is something else going on and I
think I've finally figured it out, entirely accidentally. I kind of
stumbled upon the realization, but now I wonder how it was never obvious
before. <br />
<br />
I was sexually abused as a young girl. I never had any issues with my
weight as a child. I was fairly thin, naturally (and also owing to my
mum being pretty hard up financially):<br />
<br />
<img alt="" border="0" height="263" src="http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k199/tasha-cat-mad/026familyveggiepatch.jpg" width="400" /><br />
Me in black in the middle, aged 10
<br />
<br />
I gained weight rapidly after the abuse stopped, when I was about 14 years old and I was very overweight until I was 16/17.<br />
<br />
<img alt="" border="0" height="264" src="http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k199/tasha-cat-mad/036buffyconvention2.jpg" width="400" /><br />
Me on the left, aged 15<br />
<br />
Then by 18, I lost a lot of weight through starvation and extreme amounts of exercise:<br />
<br />
<img alt="" border="0" height="300" src="http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k199/tasha-cat-mad/Me.jpg" width="400" /><br />
<br />
I didn't give much thought as to why, to be honest, but I've yo-yo'd up and down since then. I was very overweight late last year, and now I'm getting to be a more
'normal' size. But I've been falling into bad habits this last few
weeks... <br /><br />It's like I know I'm sabotaging my hard work, but I go
ahead and do it anyway. So, WHY? I think it has everything to do with my past. Recently, I have felt anxiety when I have noticed my slender wrists
and veins in my hands. I've also noticed a few appreciative glances from men, and felt disturbed by it. I feel ANXIOUS about being slim. It wasn't your typical epiphany, it has taken me a while to slot the pieces together, but I'm starting to wonder: Perhaps what I am feeling anxious about, is being desirable? <br />
<br />
It's not that I don't want to be attractive, I DO. A big motivator in my weight loss so far, has
been wanting my husband to be attracted to me. But on a largely
<i>subconscious</i> way, I am aware of anxiety around getting slim. The 'click' moment came while out running a little over a week ago, when I said to myself, "I'm vulnerable". And
that's exactly it. I feel vulnerable because I am getting thin. I know it makes no
sense, but I also know it makes me want to eat. Lots. <br />
<br />
I am kicking myself.<b> I don't want to be fat</b>. I do want to be thin. I <i>do</i>
want to be attractive. I do want to be healthy. But I feel like my
weight protects me, if not from anything real then at least from
anxiety. And there is, after all, nothing more deserving of fear than fear itself. <br />
<br />
<br />
The last time I was out running, I got scared.
Because it occurred to me that people might actually think to attack me
now, and I didn't feel safe. Those thoughts had <b><i>never</i> </b>entered my head
when out running before. I've always felt empowered and strong when running - like I am a powerful and formidable force. <br /><br />When I started to get scared I told myself I was being silly, and put it out
of my mind until I got home (but I haven't been out running since). Until now, I hadn't put two and two together. I hadn't considered that there might be a connection between that fear, and my past or my new, slighter figure. <br /><br />But now that I think about it... I believe that the fear of danger when out running has come about because I don't have the
extra weight to protect me - because who would rape a fat girl, right?
I know it doesn't make any sense. I know the weight doesn't <b><i>really</i></b>
protect me, but I felt safe with it on and now I feel vulnerable. It's
the only way that I can put it. I miss running... but something strong
has held me back from getting out of the door for over a week now. I
feel like I want to go, but I don't. <br />
<br />
What a sucky, sucky place. I'm totally horrified at the idea of ending
up back where I was: miserable with my weight, unhealthy, unattractive,
self-loathing, not feeling <i>worthy...</i> But at the same time, I am very
aware that I'm anxious and I feel vulnerable. I am sabotaging my diet, I'm
not working out, I'm eating the wrong foods... I've had several, several
thousand calorie binges lately, intentionally - I've gone to the shops
specifically to buy binge foods. And done it in secret. I've spent so
much money on food. <br />
<br />
And on top of everything, putting two and two together and realizing this
may be related to the abuse, has got me thinking about the past.
And got me feeling angry and frustrated and depressed, that it feels like this
will be a life-long battle, and that I will never truly be free of him. I feel like I'll always, on some level, no matter how much it
seems that I'm 'better', be that abused little girl. A victim. And I
just want to run to the shops and stuff my face until I'm numb inside. <br />
<br />
<br />FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-32648659048032365552012-07-20T03:57:00.000-07:002012-07-20T04:00:23.084-07:00Love Your Body - It's The Only One You've Got!<br />
I'm on the final stretch of pre-wedding weight loss (sis-in-law's wedding, not mine) and I'm really pushing myself. I feel completely back to normal post-op, so I've been out pounding the pavement almost every day. I'm back to running and kickboxing. I smiled sweetly at hubby and got myself a bicycle and I've been walking everywhere, regardless of distance, regardless of having to sling one of my infants on my back when their legs get tired, regardless of weather - my car now lives on the driveway unless there is no safe pedestrian pathway.<br />
<br />
And the more I exercise, the more I realize that I <i>don't</i> actually hate my body as it is. In fact, I feel like I'm falling in love with it!<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VGGEHAZJajY/UAk0dj4yQ5I/AAAAAAAAAC8/0WF002DgWq8/s1600/fitsspo1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VGGEHAZJajY/UAk0dj4yQ5I/AAAAAAAAAC8/0WF002DgWq8/s320/fitsspo1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I realise that, far from hating my body like I used to, I now respect and adore it, for it is my body <i>as it is</i> - not skinny, not especially fit, not toned, but - as it is, that powers me through runs, bike rides, long walks and work-outs. It is my current body, as it is, that is transforming me into my future, fit self. <u>Nobody else</u> can do this for me.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JLg8xYyjujw/UAk3WlwsKtI/AAAAAAAAADI/PSgrRmGQnWA/s1600/callthemidwife.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JLg8xYyjujw/UAk3WlwsKtI/AAAAAAAAADI/PSgrRmGQnWA/s320/callthemidwife.jpg" width="187" /></a>Last night I went for a long bike ride. I was overtaken by a 'proper' cyclist and I secretly decided to try to race him... and failed as, within seconds, he disappeared off of the edge of the horizon. It occurred to me then that, to serious runners and cyclists, I must look a bit silly and laughable. (That's not to say that I don't take my own exercise seriously - I do.) I don't mind being an obvious newb. I don't mind making mistakes and plodding along at a fraction of the speed of others who are out on the road: I enjoy riding my classic-looking, squeaky ladies bicycle (think, 'Call The Midwife') and I LOVE running. I might seem slow to others or have poor technique, and I huff and puff a
lot due to my anemia, but I am beating my own records and to me it
feels like I am racing the wind. I feel powerful and fierce, I feel like I am soaring! The whole world
could be watching me, laughing and honking their car horns, and it
wouldn't stop me. I've found something I really love in outdoor exercise,
and I truly look forward to getting better and better!FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-46017158539253663762012-07-09T02:59:00.000-07:002012-07-09T03:02:21.322-07:00Targets and LFCC.<a href="http://18to8-thejourneyoffattothin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/random-things-that-motivate-me-002.html" target="_blank">One of the dates I was aiming to have lost a lot of weight by</a>, the London Film and Comic Con, came and
went yesterday. I am still over 3stone away from my goal weight. I
really wanted to be happy with the photos of myself that I got out of
the day but of a total of 20, I've put just 4 on Facebook.<br />
<br />
Last year at this event I was 11st 7 and a size 12-14, now I am 13st and
a size 16 - but I think the biggest difference is in my face:<br />
<br />
Last year:<br />
<br />
<img alt="" border="0" height="300" src="http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k199/tasha-cat-mad/LFCC11.jpg" width="400" /><br />
<br />
Now:<br />
<br />
<img alt="" border="0" height="300" src="http://i88.photobucket.com/albums/k199/tasha-cat-mad/WP_001865.jpg" width="400" /><br />
<br />
I had really wanted to get back to 11st 7 by this year, and back to
looking like me again. But I have to look on the positive side - when I
started trying to lose weight I was 14st 5, and I'm now 13st. I need to
keep going! <br />
<br />
I'm no longer doing the VLCD for mental health reasons. I'm eating healthily and exercising and I now have a month to the
second target date (SILs wedding), and I'm hoping to have lost at least
half a stone by then.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-12493747033972681012012-06-18T03:06:00.002-07:002012-06-18T03:06:47.866-07:00JuneathOops!I totally fell of the wagon for a few days (diet AND exercise!) but the important thing is that I am back on it. Today is day 2. Yesterday I was 100% on my diet, and walked about 6 miles up hill. Today I am doing well so far on my diet, and just as soon as the delivery arrives that I am waiting for, I will be out of the door and off to the zoo with my three little sproglets.<br />
<br />
The zoo is a great place to get exercise without even really realizing it - You spend all day walking up and down hills, but you hardly notice, as you get to see all the cutie animals on the way around. The kids all really enjoy this as a day out so it's perfect for me when I can't get hubby to watch the girls at all. He's away at conference until Friday so I won't get the chance to go on any evening walks this week. I'll have to be more active than usual with the girls in the day to make up for it.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-59988972467831589832012-06-09T11:00:00.002-07:002012-06-09T11:00:39.636-07:00Juneathon update #004Hurrah! I am finally feeling a little more normal, although I still get swelling and pain if I overdo things. So I'm still listening to my body and playing it by ear. (To bring new readers up to speed, I had an operation on 26th May, which I am still recovering from. While I am unable to join in with Juneathon by running every day, I am using it as an opportunity to monitor my activity, to ensure that I don't become a total couch potato while I recover.)<br />
<br />
Today I have done the warm up from Kirsty Gallacher's Body Sculpt DVD and 10 minutes of Step Basics on Wii Fit. It's not a great deal and, to be honest, I could have done more.<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-izBEj-89TJ4/T9ONoszVPBI/AAAAAAAAACw/w6n4YhrqecA/s1600/581343_436292003067175_317708538258856_88837981_293167743_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="184" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-izBEj-89TJ4/T9ONoszVPBI/AAAAAAAAACw/w6n4YhrqecA/s320/581343_436292003067175_317708538258856_88837981_293167743_n.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
I am hoping for good weather tomorrow as I'm planning on walking the 2 miles to church (and 2 miles back afterward). The weather would simply make this walk more pleasant - I still intend to walk if it's windy or raining. If you wait for the right conditions here, you will never get anything done...<br />
<br />
<br />FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-64388891345112482672012-06-06T02:40:00.000-07:002012-06-06T02:40:16.409-07:00Juneathon update #003Yesterday I went for a long walk in the countryside. It was a beautiful day and the children loved it. It took me over an hour, but I only covered 2 miles so it was a nice gentle pace. Today I feel quite sore but I'm determined to get <i>some</i> activity into my day. Even if it is just a few goes on the Wii Step basics. I refuse to let a single day go by where I am sat on my ass from dawn to dusk.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-52100041552852396672012-06-04T08:09:00.002-07:002012-06-04T08:10:12.843-07:00Juneathon update #002So, I think I may have overdone things slightly. I've started to feel a lot of swelling and pain at the incision site of my operation. I said that I would listen to my body, and as such I haven't been as active today or yesterday as I was on day 1.<br />
<br />
I've managed 5 sets of 20laps very gently walking around the garden, and 5 sets of 10 minutes punching the air, just to keep a little bit active. I'm disapointed that I haven't managed to keep up the level of activity that I managed on day 1 of Juneathon but I <i>must</i> listen to my body. My hubby would be so unimpressed if I injured myself or jeopardized my healing. Really, I must listen to both my husband <i>and</i> my body. I want to get up and be active, but I will only do myself more harm than good if I am not sensible with it. Good things come to those who wait, I guess... <br />
<br />
<br />FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-52847391864993601732012-06-02T05:28:00.000-07:002012-06-02T05:28:31.541-07:00Juneathon update #01I am joining in with the Juneathon to help me keep track of my activity while I recover from medical surgery. I am not allowed to run for 8 - 10 weeks, and I really don't want my fitness to decline massively while I wait to be able to. Heavy lifting is also banned. I've decided to listen most to my body, and go from there. Total inactivity is an absolute NON-option.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I did 5 sets of 'step aerobics' on the Wii Fit spread out through the day, I used the warm up from Kirsty Gallacher's body sculpt DVD and completed 4 sets of 5 laps gently walking around my back garden and 3 sets of 20 minutes punching the air. I realize this sounds like hardly anything, but my operation was 6 days ago and pushing myself now won't achieve anything for my health in the long run.<br />
<br />
I'm feeling a little more normal today so I've increased by sets of laps around to garden to sets of 10, though I'm still quite sore. I'm just going to keep on listening to my body and playing it by ear. As long as I'm not doing nothing, I'm doing something.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-5119524359124603762012-06-01T00:35:00.000-07:002012-06-01T00:35:52.841-07:00Juneathon? Count me in!I've just learned about a little thing called, 'Juneathon'. The idea is that you run daily and blog about each run within 24 hours.<a href="http://www.juneathon.com/rules.html"> Interested? </a><br />
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I can't participate with running as I am recovering from surgery, but I have signed up anyway. I plan to use Juneathon as an opportunity to set some small goals and to help ensure that I am keeping active while getting back on my feet.<br />
<br />
"Are you hardcore enough to run and blog every day this month?" Sign up, and leave a comment below so that I can follow your Juneathon blog entries. <br />
<br />FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-32973584493615953142012-05-30T07:23:00.000-07:002012-05-30T07:24:45.127-07:00RecoveringI'm currently recovering from surgery. An operation became necessary for my health, and I went under the knife on Saturday morning. I am sore, sore, sore.<br />
<br />
I've been advised by my consultant, nurses and a physiotherapist that any heavy lifting, strenuous activity or exercise should be avoided for a minimum of 4 weeks, up to 10 weeks. So that throws a spanner in my works! My lovely plan of getting in shape for summer by regular running, long-distance walking and weekly kickboxing is a officially a no-go. I'm still allowed to walk as much as I am comfortable but unfortunately I'm not very comfortable at present.<br />
<br />
Of course it is early days, and being told that walking can't do any harm provides some comfort to me in that, when I am feeling more able, at least I will be able to keep a little bit of this fitness that I have been working so hard for. I will be able to go for longer walks as I recover and, though I can't go running, a 5 mile walk three or four times a week should keep me from becoming the total couch potato that I was before I started the Couch to 5k program 5 months ago.<br />
<br />
The weather has been so lovely as well - the evenings are very inviting. They almost beckon me forth to scramble out of my little blanket-nest-pit on the sofa, straighten myself down and step outside. Even if it's just one step for now, or two or three... It's something.<br />
<br />FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-12222232950418965722012-05-14T01:32:00.001-07:002012-05-14T01:36:00.844-07:00No weigh in this weekYesterday was supposed to be Weigh In (WI) day. That didn't happen. My mum's partner asked if we could do it another day, as he needed to complete his tutor-marked assessment as part of his Open Degree. I can understand that having the 5 children (my 3, and my younger brother and sister) running excitedly around the house might have been a little distracting, so my mum and I agreed to WI next Sunday instead.<br />
<br />
I was secretly relieved as Saturday was my husband's surprise 30th birthday party and I had made the decision that I was going to take the day off of my diet. I regretted eating. The food wasn't as great as I remembered or imagined it would be, and I was in flare up with my Crohn's disease all night and all of Sunday. I'm not beating myself up for 'falling off the wagon', though. After all, it didn't feel like a loss of control, but rather a bad decision. I knew what I was doing, weighed up the pros and cons and made the <i>choice</i> to break my diet. I was in total control. And I can learn from this.<br />
<br />
From the full 7 days that I completed on the VLCD before Saturday, I have learnt that I can take or leave food. And that <i>I can actually do this</i> diet. I am a little nervous about how my gut will react to food when I refeed, and if I will instantly go into flare up when I am trying to eat solid food, but I'm trying not to think of that for now. For now I am getting some relief from the pain and sickness, and I am losing much needed weight along the way. I will cross all the other bridges when I come to them. <br />
<br />
From eating on Saturday, and the pain and illness that followed, I have learnt that food is - without any doubt - not worth it. <br />
<br />
Not weighing in was a bit of a bummer but it gives me a week to correct any damage done by my 'day off', to work out hard and to lose as much weight as possible.<br />
<br />
Short term plan: Stick to VLCD 100% for the full week (No crafty splashes of milk in my tea!), work out 3 times a week, <b>walk</b> the school run (total 8 miles a day). See AMAZING results on WI day.<br />
<br />
After that, I'm just taking each day and week as it comes for now.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-74817606424594486362012-05-10T03:43:00.000-07:002012-05-10T03:45:42.028-07:00Random things that motivate me #005<h2>
</h2>
<h2>
Competition</h2>
Although the reason behind me doing this VLCD was to
ease my crohn's disease into remission, I have had to keep myself
motivated in other ways to break my eating habits and, especially as I have started to
feel better in my stomach, I've had to keep reminding myself of the
various reasons that I am sticking to this diet - <i>aside from</i> preventing
belly ache and bloating. One of the things that has kept me motivated the most this week has been my competitive nature.<br />
<br />
My scales have broken so I have taken to weighing in every Sunday at my mum's house. My mum is also trying to lose weight. Last week when we weighed in she had lost 2 lbs and I had gained. The sense of competition and wanting to lose as much as, or more than, my mum has kept me on track this week and I have stuck rigidly to this Very Low Calorie No-Solid-Food Diet (Bar, one or two hot drinks that shouldn't strictly have had milk or sugar in. There have been no major slip-ups.). I am aiming for a really strong end to the week with no drinks other than water and my 3 VLCD shakes a day. I am eager to weigh in on Sunday and discover who has been the biggest loser!FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-71444956714574951362012-05-10T02:16:00.000-07:002012-05-10T02:17:58.257-07:00Random things that motivate me #004<b><br /></b><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Reality:</span></b></span></div>
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I felt particularly fat after my shower last week and decided to take a photo of myself to serve as a reminder. There have been a few times that I have been tempted to cheat on this diet, but looking at this photo is always enough to change my mind. I have a copy on my phone that goes everywhere with me and every time that I think about food, I look at this. I am reminded that the only person who I'd be cheating, by eating, is myself. I look at this and I reminded that food is just not worth it. It's not worth it at all...FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-73162704913836471192012-05-07T10:10:00.002-07:002012-05-07T10:11:32.838-07:00VLCD UpdateI've been on the liquid diet for a few days now and I have amazing news to update you with:<br />
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
For the first time in a very long time, I am not in pain with my crohn's disease!</h4>
<br />
This is an amazing result in such a short space of time! It would seem that food really has been aggravating my symptoms. I can see why really, as the nature of crohn's disease is that my insides are inflamed and lined with aphthous
ulcers. Everybody knows that mouth ulcers heal faster if they are not
rubbing against anything else in the mouth, so it stands to reason that
giving the ulcers inside of me a break from the friction of food moving
over them will help them to heal. <br />
<br />
Over the last few days, I have only been tempted to eat food once. I actually thought about buying myself a veggie burger while on a day out, and for a time I was not sure what I was going to do. It was touch and go, but I then realised that I simply had to <i><u>decide</u></i> that I was not going to eat, and after that it was easy. At the end of that day I was so proud of myself for having made the right choice. I feel certain that it would not have tasted as nice as I was imagining it to be, and I can only imagine how bad I would have felt in myself if I had given in to temptation on day two! It would have been full of gluten as well so it would have really made my tummy bloat out, and would have caused me a lot of pain.<br />
<br />
Now that my stomach is feeling better, it is important that I remember just how poorly I've been over these past few months. I need to keep telling myself that eating will probably make me feel like that again. I'm quite
excited at the possibility that this diet may get my crohn's disease
completely into remission!<br />
<br />
As well as the health benefits, I am now starting to get really excited about finally seeing some great results with my weight loss. I weigh in next Sunday at my mum's house (my own scales are broken so I can't take any sneaky peaks!) and I'm really hoping to see a significant loss. Although this 'lifestyle change'-now-cum-diet has always been first and foremost about getting healthy, my weight has also been an issue for me for a long time.<br />
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The next few days should be relatively easy for me in terms of sticking to the diet, as my husband is on leave from work until Thursday. I haven't been tempted to binge yet (touch wood), but if I do feel the urge, it should be easier to ignore, or, rather, harder to listen to with him around, as I only ever binge in private.<br />
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There are a few aspects of this diet that I am finding more difficult than the actual abstinence of food itself. For a start, I feel very irritable and find it hard to concentrate or think straight, the amount of water that I need to drink makes me need to pee like Seabiscuit, which is rather uncomfortable, and while we're on the subject of drinking, I am really, really missing tea and coffee!<br />
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I'm trying only to drink water as, while I am technically doing this diet to give my stomach a rest from solid food, I know that I will see the best weight loss results if I stick rigidly to the VLCD rules. I feel quite tired and drained at times, probably due to caffeine withdrawal, but most of all I miss the social, habitual and comforting nature of drinking tea and coffee. I think that I could live without food forever, if I could drink as much tea and coffee as I liked.<br />
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All in all I am feeling very positive and determined, and my stomach feels a lot better for not having food passed through it. It's all good for now!FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-85925325545955860712012-05-03T15:55:00.002-07:002012-05-03T16:13:42.449-07:00Serious change, Drastic measures...It is time to face facts. The 'Eat-Less-Move-More' lifestyle changes that I have made are not working. I am still weighing in at 14 stone and I am <i>sick</i>. I am about as far away from 'healthy' right now as it is possible to be.<br />
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To bring everybody up to speed with my health situation, I have Hypothyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Crohn's disease, which all work against me in my attempt to lose weight. The Hypothyroidism isn't well controlled currently; We're still trying to work out the right dose of levothyroxine for me to be on, and an underactive thyroid unfortunately does cause weight gain. On top of this I am on a cocktail of steroids for my Crohn's disease, which all list "Weight Gain" amongst their most common side effects. It's all good fun, eh?<br />
<br />
I, along with Dr G (my gastroenterologist), am really struggling lately with trying to get the Crohn's disease into
remission. Prednisolone (a strong steroid with nasty side effects) hasn't worked and almost everything that I eat
is making me feel sick. I have extensive villous atrophy and am, as a
consequence, not absorbing any nutrition from the food that I eat. I
feel like I could really benefit from just giving my gut a rest from
trying to digest food altogether.<br />
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It is based on that feeling, that I have made the big decision to try a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD). This will be a liquid-only diet. It's extreme, and goes against all that I have been trying to achieve here in this blog (eating healthy, normal portion sizes and making good food choices - not allowing myself to fall into either extreme of binging <i>or </i>starving myself), however I feel at this point that giving my stomach a rest from solid food will be the best thing for me. It will hopefully give my digestive system time to recover and opportunity for inflammation to settle down.<br />
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The VLCD products that I will be using are nutritionally complete shakes and soups that, across the course of 3 packets a day, will provide my body with complete nutrition in minimal calories, no solids and with as little irritation or aggravation to my gut as possible.<br />
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I've previously believed that VLCD's are not suitable for me, due to my history - my urges to <i>binge</i> and <i>starve </i>(and purge), but I have proved to myself over the last 4 months that I am in control of my diet and I <i>am</i> capable of making good, healthy food choices. And I will go back to this healthy lifestyle once I reintroduce proper food to my diet later on.<br />
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I would not chose a VLCD purely as a means to lose weight. I think the best way for me to 'diet' would be to continue on with healthy food choices, controlled portion sizes, mindful eating, calorie counting and regular exercise, but this is <i>not </i>working for me right now due to my poor health, uncontrolled hypothyroidism and the medication that I am on. <br />
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I am aware that starting on a VLCD <i>may</i> trigger my bing-purge behaviour, but at the moment I trust myself that I am assertive enough to recognize if that occurs, and be honest with myself that if that is the case, VLCD is not for me and I will have to try a different approach. <br />
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That said, I think I will find a the diet relatively easy to stick to at the moment. I am so desperate with my illness and I am in so much pain that I don't <i>want</i> to eat anything. And I am so fatigued and generally unwell. Lately, eating anything solid seems to make these symptoms flare up big time. I need some relief. For this simple reason, that I am feeling so unwell, I don't think there will be an issue with me wanting to binge while on the diet. I obviously won't know until I try, but if I start to feel negative urges
again I will have to reconsider whether this is something that I can
afford to do, emotionally or psychologically. <br />
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I'm trying to set off with a positive mental attitude, though and I'm really hopeful that not eating will give me some relief from my Crohn's symptoms and help aid the steroids in getting me into remmission.<br />
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On another plus side of course weight loss will be a massive benefit as I've been at a standstill since I regained back to 14stone. Aaaanyway, that's the plan for now! I may not stick to this diet for long as, if I start to recognize I'm not coping and it's doing me harm
mentally, I'll have to give it up. However I am hoping that as I am doing this diet for
health reasons, and because I feel so ill that I don't even want to eat most of the time
anyway, that it won't be an issue. Fingers crossed that this works out! <br />
<br />
<br />FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-91466569514617647292012-04-23T06:20:00.001-07:002012-04-23T06:21:24.321-07:00Random things that motivate me #003<div style="text-align: center;">
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My 'fat face' made on my brothers' iPhone: </div>
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<br />FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-35871992343396736382012-04-23T06:03:00.000-07:002012-04-23T08:36:53.853-07:00Still running, and this is why:When running, it can seem as though the whole world is ahead of you, and gives a unique sense of being able to achieve just about anything:<br />
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And in seconds you can look back over your shoulder and see how far you've come in such little time:<br />
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I love this. I am not talented enough, as a writer, to put into words the <i>feeling</i> that I experienced on this particular run, so I hope the photos can go part way to demonstrating what I mean.<br />
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The images above were taken toward the end of an amazing run. Across 10 miles, I was running toward sunny, blue skies - with dark clouds and what
looked like rain behind me. I managed to stay ahead of the rain right up
until I reached the main road on my way back home. Rain did eventually
catch up with me, and I got caught in a thunder storm, but there was
something pretty glorious about running through that in itself. It was such <i>
fun</i>! <br />
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As I explained in <a href="http://18to8-thejourneyoffattothin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/why-run.html">this post</a>, I no longer run with single aim of 'getting skinny' in mind. For many different reasons, I no longer force myself out of the door but I look forward to getting my training shoes on and am eager to set foot on my running routes. In fact the only reason that I don't run <i>more</i> than I do, is because I feel guilty about leaving the children so often.<br />
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I discover, almost every time that I hit the road, that I am getting some fresh enjoyment from running. I find that I am running for new and differing reasons to what I had considered before. On my run yesterday, when I covered 10 miles in the comfortable pace of 3.5 hours, I discovered the solid sense of ability, confidence and accomplishment that can come from running.<br />
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Although I usually hate photos of myself, and the above is a particularly 'bad' photo with messy hair and chubby cheeks, I took this in a moment when I felt on top of the world, and seeing this photo makes me really happy. I cherish this time. This is 'my' time. If I had to put into words how I feel about running at the moment, I would say that I'm falling in love with it.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-37788542316475945872012-04-23T05:31:00.000-07:002012-05-10T03:04:36.559-07:00Doing the Salmon DanceThis really is begining to feel like a very long battle. I feel like I'm trying to swim against the tide. I had a repeat blood test last week that showed that my hypothyroidism is not yet quite controlled, which, according to my GP, will be making it harder for me to lose weight. On top of this I had an appointment with Dr G last week where I was told that the Budesonide that I was on hadn't worked and the inflammation inside me was increasing. Because of this I am now having to take Prednisolone, a different type of steroid. Unfortunately a side effect of this medication is <i>weight gain</i>. The last thing I need. I've only been taking Pred for a week and already I've gained weight. I am now back up to 14st, or 196lbs.<br />
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I'm determined not to feel defeated, though. Although the weather has been bad, so my recent relative inactivity may have contributed to my weight gain in part, I haven't changed my diet since starting Prednisolone, so I can only assume that the new medication and my badly behaving thyroid gland are largely responsible for the pounds creeping back on. While the temptation is there to say, 'To hell with it then! It doesn't matter what I do - I'm never going to shift this weight. What's the point?', the point is this:<br />
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<i>If I am gaining weight on <1500 kcals a day, what is going to happen if I start eating mindlessly again?</i><br />
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For the first time in a long time, I am actually constantly <i>mindful</i> of what I am consuming. I think about eating healthily, portion sizes, not eating out of habit or boredom etc. I think about these things <i>every day</i>. This is still the longest that I have ever stuck with anything like this. I am reluctant to call it a 'diet', but if that is what it is, it's the longest I've ever stuck to one. <br />
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I'm afraid that if I drop these lifestyle changes that I have worked so hard to bring about, I'll never be able to pick them back up again. So while I may not be seeing great results at the minute, it's worth sticking out. It's about damage control. It's about keeping 'healthy' at the front of my mind. It's about <i>maintaining,</i> and continuing to strive for a better, healthier version of myself.<br />
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I am frustrated and fed up with my body, and how long this is taking, and how hard it is, but I am as determined and motivated as I ever have been.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-63768755516945175552012-04-03T04:28:00.003-07:002012-05-10T14:48:51.918-07:00Random things that motivate me #002<b>Summer and Events </b><br />
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The summer is fast approaching. I want to be able to wear shorts when it's too hot for jeans, without feeling that I'm embarrassing myself and my husband or kids. <br />
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On top of this, summer seems to be the time when people want to invite you to BBQ's and take photographs of you in their garden. The last thing that I want is photos of me popping up on facebook, that make me wish the earth would open and swallow me up. <br />
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I have two events this summer, which I would actually love to be able to get some photographs of myself at that I <i>like</i>. The first is the <a href="http://www.londonfilmandcomiccon.com/">London Film and Comic Con</a> (LFCC).<br />
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Me at the LFCC in the summer of 2011, when I weighed around 11st 7lbs.</div>
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Last year when I attended this event, I actually liked the photographs of me that came out of it. I'd love to be able to say the same this year, but I have gained at least 2 stone since then. I have purchased a ticket for myself to be photographed with Anthony Stewart Head, so I <i>really</i> want to feel happy with the way that I look at this event.<br />
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The second event that will be highly photographed is the wedding of my Sister-In-Law. I really want to be able to wear a nice dress and feel confident on my husband's arm and in the photographs.<br />
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Each time that I think of putting gluteny foods or high calorie junk in my mouth, I think about how I want to look at these events and in photographs afterwards, and it helps me to put the food back down and step away.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-10902881639844132292012-03-28T05:17:00.000-07:002012-03-29T12:40:02.239-07:00Overdue update<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TkJ_bYvQAKU/T3L_CW1jKmI/AAAAAAAAAAU/M2AXn0YWLwQ/s1600/blogpic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TkJ_bYvQAKU/T3L_CW1jKmI/AAAAAAAAAAU/M2AXn0YWLwQ/s640/blogpic.jpg" width="224" /></a>I've neglected my blog recently, but my mind has still be on the task of changing my lifestyle around and being healthy. I've been keeping a daily diary on paper, of my goals for the day and whether I meet them. <br />
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So how have I been getting on? I've been loving the sunshine and longer evenings for long walks and gentle jogs. Unfortunately I've been struck down with a nasty virus this week, but on the plus side the lbs have been dropping off! Now that I'm feeling a little better, I have the added motivation to keep up the good work as I don't really want to pile those lbs back on. I've not been starving while I've been poorly, I've just had little appetite so I've been eating much smaller portions and not eating excessively, so I hope to continue this as it evidently <i><b>does</b></i> work. <br />
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I do need to get back into updating my myfitnesspal diary daily, as I have been falling short here and I <i>need</i> to keep track of those calories. I might also start updating this diary every day, in the same fashion that I've been using my paper journal (simple list of goals and whether I've achieved them or not). <br />
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I ran the sport relief mile on Sunday but, although I was happy with my fitness level for the run, I look so FAT in the photos of the event. This is all just more motivation to keep going. I also bought myself some new running trousers. They're lovely and comfortable but they are literally skin tight - you can see every ripple, lump, bump and wobble through the material - It's like running naked! I definitely need to keep going to fix this!<br />
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The really good news is I've managed to find a sort of consistency. I'm regularly active - even if it's just a 30 minute walk. I'm conscious of my eating every day rather than just mindlessly scoffing, and I am pretty sure I'm eating less, though I need to update MFP more often to be sure that my calories aren't creeping up. I've also managed to kick the gluten out of my diet! I've been gluten free for over a fortnight now, and I feel great for it.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-52845321722176531152012-03-11T01:49:00.000-08:002012-03-11T01:52:07.317-08:00I'm back, I'm focussed, I'm goodI finally snapped myself out of it (for meaning of 'it', see previous post). I feel focussed, positive and determinate. I've decided to try not to look at huge, far away goals. I am taking this in sets of 10 days, one day at a time. I now have a chart on my kitchen wall, split into 10 days (day 1, day 2, day 3 etc) with each day having a checklist. When I reach day 10, I'll start a new chart, at day 1 again. If it's only 10 days, it feels doable. So long as each day I tick off every item on the list, I should continue to make progress, improve my fitness and see a good, steady weight loss. Just one day at a time.<br />
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My ticklists contain things that I should be doing, but haven't been strict enough on myself about such as:<br />
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<u>Day one</u><br />
<br />
Remember to take medications<br />
Run<br />
Add all food to MFP<br />
<1500 Kcal<br />
NO gluten<br />
<br />
<u>Day 2</u><br />
<u> </u><br />
Remember to take medications<br />
REST<br />
Add all food to MFP<br />
<1500 Kcal<br />
NO gluten<br />
<br />
<u>Day 3</u><br />
<br />
Remember to take medications<br />
120minutes walking (brisk pace)<br />
Add all food to MFP<br />
<1500 Kcal<br />
NO gluten<br />
<br />
<u>Day 4</u><br />
<br />
Remember to take medications<br />
REST<br />
Add all food to MFP<br />
<1500 Kcal<br />
NO gluten<br />
<br />
<u>Day 5</u><br />
<br />
Remember to take medications<br />
Run<br />
Add all food to MFP<br />
<1500 Kcal<br />
NO gluten<br />
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....you get the idea. I have a plan. I have the determination to stick to this plan. It should work. Fingers crossed. I'll let you know how I get on.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-15322053972498234722012-03-09T11:12:00.001-08:002012-03-09T11:12:17.891-08:00Bear with meI'm struggling. I feel like I'm in a deep pit of self-misery and despair. I'm sure I'll wade out the other side soon. I need to surround myself with good, healthy, positive role-models, I think. There are too many people fasting around me and going about this unhealthily... I feel like saying, "Screw it all!", and throwing in the 'healthy' towel - It's covered in misery-mud anyway. It's not quick enough. I really never want to eat again at the moment. I'm sorry, I did say I was feeling miserable! Hopefully my healthy approach will return soon once I have surrounded myself with healthy, positive people. I just feel stuck in a rut, and totally despaired.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-31619653612600557832012-03-03T12:29:00.001-08:002012-04-03T04:29:49.312-07:00Random things that motivate me #001<b>People from my past. </b><br />
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Be it friends I've lost touch with, enemies(!), exes, people I really liked but never really struck up a friendship with or people I really DIDN'T like, I always think, "If I should bump into one of them tomorrow... Would I be happy with the way that I look now?" At the moment the answer is no, but it really motivates me to lose this excess weight so that hopefully one day I'll bump into somebody from my past and I'll be a really healthy-looking size 10 and look amazing. I don't know <i>why</i> this will bring me satisfaction, but I know that it <i>will.</i> On that note, I'm off to get an early night before my 4 mile power walk followed by C25K run tomorrow morning.FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-15588625214626129122012-02-25T14:57:00.001-08:002012-02-25T14:58:33.972-08:00Why Run?There have got to be lots of ways to get fit, right? If you're interested in why I chose running, or you're thinking of starting to run, here are my personal reasons to run:<br />
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<ul>
<li><b>Convenience.</b> Running is something I can do on my own, with no equipment required (except for my super cushy springy runny shoes). It is something I can do as much or as little of as I please, or am able to fit in. I am able to make my own schedule, make my own rules, be my own fitness coach. I am able to slip in to my running shoes while my husband distracts our little ones, and be out of the door in 3 minutes before any of them notice. I can be back in 30 minutes, having completed my work out for the day, before my children have the chance to actually miss me. If I want to run longer, I can go out after bedtime and enjoy the evening air. It's liberating. It's exhilarating. It's freedom. It's MY time. And I own it. </li>
<li><b>Running feels good. </b>Believe it or not, once you get past the first few hard runs, you stop forcing yourself to go out the door and you get to a point where you can barely wait to get out there! Running is addictive. It feels good. This is because of endorphins. These little feel-good chemicals are released in our bodies when we run. Endorphins are well-known to help relieve stress (and even ease the symptoms of depression). When I run, I feel good for hours afterwards. More than, 'good', I feel almost euphoric. I feel positive, excited, in control... elated. You've heard of 'runners' high', right? Well, it actually exists! It is a highly motivating influence in getting me out of the door each day.</li>
<li><b>Self-esteem. </b>Running helps me to feel good about myself. I am actively doing something to help improve my health and my fitness level. I am tackling my weight problem in a healthy and sensible way. I am in control. I am making positive changes, setting myself goals and meeting them. I am achieving. </li>
<li><b>Me-time.</b> Being a mum of 3 tiddlers, I don't often get much 'me-time'. When I am running, it is my time. It is my time to think about whatever I would like to, or to think of nothing at all. When running I can clear my mind and just enjoy the pounding of my feet upon the pavement. When I am running, my only responsibility is to myself. I do not need to think about what the children are doing, what the house looks like, or anything at all. All I need to do, is complete my run. I love this. This is my time.</li>
<li><b>Getting outside.</b> It sounds corny, and maybe it is, but when I run I feel 'connected' in some way. I am outdoors, with the wind brushing through my hair, I can breath in fresh air while my feet tread over dirt or grass, while I run past trees and flowers and birds... Running outside connects you to nature and brings a new appreciation for the outdoors. Corny, but true. You might not realise how much you can appreciate 'nature' until you get out there and experience it regularly. </li>
<li><b>Improvement. Achievement.</b> When running, I can set myself goals and achieve them. I can aim to run further, or faster. I can achieve. I can aspire. I can better myself. I can see myself improve. I am limitless. I am free. There is nothing that is beyond my capabilities, I can do anything. Running puts me in a position of power, and shows me just how much I can make of myself. Running is 'me' becoming the best version of myself.</li>
</ul>
That is why I run. When I started running, my only reason was, "to lose weight", but I discovered that there are much more compelling reasons to get out there and get running. Why don't you give it a go yourself, and find out why YOU run?FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335381681956435198.post-30226609636390304222012-02-23T13:33:00.002-08:002012-02-23T13:43:55.985-08:00My Mini Goals<ol>
<li>Update this blog more regularly</li>
<li>Complete my Food Diary on MyFitnessPal every day</li>
<li>Go running at least 4 days out of the week</li>
<li>If there is a safe pedestrian path, <b><i>walk it</i>.</b></li>
<li>Start and complete the '<i>30 Day Shred</i>' DVD.</li>
<li>Work on the speed of my running.</li>
<li>Improve on the time taken to walk in to Twin Club and toddler groups.</li>
</ol>FattyPersonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18355181021585660877noreply@blogger.com0