Monday, 13 February 2012

My journey to hell and back again. That little devil on my shoulder sure is persistent!

I've been AWOL for a little while. I found myself in a bit of a depressive rut last week... I realised just HOW fat I am, and how far I had to go, and how long it is going to take me, and felt a bit overwhelmed by it all. I missed junk food and felt sorry for myself, but when I indulged in the desire to eat bad foods I felt even WORSE about myself and really wanted some comfort from it all.

Matters have been made worse by the fact that I've had to take a break from the couch to 5k programme that I've been following. For over a week now it has been bitterly freezing cold outside and on Sunday 5th January snow fell and settled at a depth of about 2ft. I have been literally unable to go out running, and taking a break after I was progressing so well has been devastating. I feel like I will have to start again and all my hard work has been undone. The snow is only just starting to melt now, that and the very low temperatures mean that for now I am still unable to get back out there.

On the 10th of February, I posted this to a forum where there are a few of us trying to get fit and healthy:

"I'm really struggling! With the cold and snow meaning I've not been able to go for a run I feel a bit down and I've been turning to food for comfort! I've been stuffing myself with gluten-heavy foods that cause my tummy to swell and I feel so fat. I keep drinking caffeine, too. I've managed to stay off the Pepsi, but drinking way too much coffee. I need to get back on track but, much as I hate my body at the moment, I just feel too miserable to do something about it. I feel like all my motivation and energy is draining away! I need to get running again. I miss my regular shot of endorphins!"
And then yesterday I dug out the old Wii Fit. I'd not used it for a good few months and, when I stepped on to do the 'body test', it told me that I had gained 2stone and 7lbs. I felt devastated and like I never wanted to look at food again. I felt utterly fed up at this point and like I knew what I had to do, but it felt like it was just too much hard work. I don't want to be obese for the rest of my life, but for a moment there I seriously considered giving up and just accepting that this was the way I was going to be. It felt easier than trying to change.

I think that my failure of the 'Exante' diet may have had something to do with the rapid weight gain I've experienced since the summer. I tried this very low calorie soup and shake (and no food!) diet. It worked for a time, but I very quickly gained all the weight back and more. Rebound weight. What a bitch, eh? I realised again that I need to learn to eat properly, or else I'll just keep swinging between starvation and mass over eating. This is a cycle that needs to be broken.

So yesterday I decided to suck it up and try to focus on my calorie counting again. I managed to keep myself motivated throughout the day and easily stuck below my 1200 calorie goal. I also 'worked out' for a lot of the day on Wii Fit, playing it in multiplayer mode with my children.

And today I am back in the game! After a week of misery and despair, I finally feel like I'm back in control. My motivation and positivity are returning in full force - hopefully they'll stick around this time! Thankfully I don't think that I did any damage last week to the work that I had already done. I weighed in today at 13st 8.4lbs! So I've lost another lb since I last weighed in. As I was expecting to have gained, it was a lovely surprise!

I am happy to report that I am back on track, I've not lost anything by taking a week to feel sorry for myself, and I'm going for my goals. Fingers crossed I don't slip off the waggon again!

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