Love Your Body - It's The Only One You've Got!

I'm on the final stretch of pre-wedding weight loss (sis-in-law's wedding, not mine) and I'm really pushing myself. I feel completely back to normal post-op, so I've been out pounding the pavement almost every day. I'm back to running and kickboxing. I smiled sweetly at hubby and got myself a bicycle and I've been walking everywhere, regardless of distance, regardless of having to sling one of my infants on my back when their legs get tired, regardless of weather - my car now lives on the driveway unless there is no safe pedestrian pathway.

And the more I exercise, the more I realize that I don't actually hate my body as it is. In fact, I feel like I'm falling in love with it!

I realise that, far from hating my body like I used to, I now respect and adore it, for it is my body as it is - not skinny, not especially fit, not toned, but - as it is, that powers me through runs, bike rides, long walks and work-outs. It is my current body, as it is, that is transforming me into my future, fit self. Nobody else can do this for me.

Last night I went for a long bike ride. I was overtaken by a 'proper' cyclist and I secretly decided to try to race him... and failed as, within seconds, he disappeared off of the edge of the horizon. It occurred to me then that, to serious runners and cyclists, I must look a bit silly and laughable. (That's not to say that I don't take my own exercise seriously - I do.) I don't mind being an obvious newb. I don't mind making mistakes and plodding along at a fraction of the speed of others who are out on the road: I enjoy riding my classic-looking, squeaky ladies bicycle (think, 'Call The Midwife') and I LOVE running. I might seem slow to others or have poor technique, and I huff and puff a lot due to my anemia, but I am beating my own records and to me it feels like I am racing the wind. I feel powerful and fierce, I feel like I am soaring! The whole world could be watching me, laughing and honking their car horns, and it wouldn't stop me. I've found something I really love in outdoor exercise, and I truly look forward to getting better and better!

Targets and LFCC.

One of the dates I was aiming to have lost a lot of weight by, the London Film and Comic Con, came and went yesterday. I am still over 3stone away from my goal weight. I really wanted to be happy with the photos of myself that I got out of the day but of a total of 20, I've put just 4 on Facebook.

Last year at this event I was 11st 7 and a size 12-14, now I am 13st and a size 16 - but I think the biggest difference is in my face:

Last year:



Now:



I had really wanted to get back to 11st 7 by this year, and back to looking like me again. But I have to look on the positive side - when I started trying to lose weight I was 14st 5, and I'm now 13st. I need to keep going!

I'm no longer doing the VLCD for mental health reasons. I'm eating healthily and exercising and I now have a month to the second target date (SILs wedding), and I'm hoping to have lost at least half a stone by then.

No weigh in this week

Yesterday was supposed to be Weigh In (WI) day. That didn't happen. My mum's partner asked if we could do it another day, as he needed to complete his tutor-marked assessment as part of his Open Degree. I can understand that having the 5 children (my 3, and my younger brother and sister) running excitedly around the house might have been a little distracting, so my mum and I agreed to WI next Sunday instead.

I was secretly relieved as Saturday was my husband's surprise 30th birthday party and I had made the decision that I was going to take the day off of my diet. I regretted eating. The food wasn't as great as I remembered or imagined it would be, and I was in flare up with my Crohn's disease all night and all of Sunday. I'm not beating myself up for 'falling off the wagon', though. After all, it didn't feel like a loss of control, but rather a bad decision. I knew what I was doing, weighed up the pros and cons and made the choice to break my diet. I was in total control. And I can learn from this.

From the full 7 days that I completed on the VLCD before Saturday, I have learnt that I can take or leave food. And that I can actually do this diet. I am a little nervous about how my gut will react to food when I refeed, and if I will instantly go into flare up when I am trying to eat solid food, but I'm trying not to think of that for now. For now I am getting some relief from the pain and sickness, and I am losing much needed weight along the way. I will cross all the other bridges when I come to them.

From eating on Saturday, and the pain and illness that followed, I have learnt that food is - without any doubt - not worth it.

Not weighing in was a bit of a bummer but it gives me a week to correct any damage done by my 'day off', to work out hard and to lose as much weight as possible.

Short term plan: Stick to VLCD 100% for the full week (No crafty splashes of milk in my tea!), work out 3 times a week, walk the school run (total 8 miles a day). See AMAZING results on WI day.

After that, I'm just taking each day and week as it comes for now.

Random things that motivate me #005

 Competition

Although the reason behind me doing this VLCD was to ease my crohn's disease into remission, I have had to keep myself motivated in other ways to break my eating habits and, especially as I have started to feel better in my stomach, I've had to keep reminding myself of the various reasons that I am sticking to this diet - aside from preventing belly ache and bloating. One of the things that has kept me motivated the most this week has been my competitive nature.

My scales have broken so I have taken to weighing in every Sunday at my mum's house. My mum is also trying to lose weight. Last week when we weighed in she had lost 2 lbs and I had gained. The sense of competition and wanting to lose as much as, or more than, my mum has kept me on track this week and I have stuck rigidly to this Very Low Calorie No-Solid-Food Diet (Bar, one or two hot drinks that shouldn't strictly have had milk or sugar in. There have been no major slip-ups.). I am aiming for a really strong end to the week with no drinks other than water and my 3 VLCD shakes a day. I am eager to weigh in on Sunday and discover who has been the biggest loser!

VLCD Update

I've been on the liquid diet for a few days now and I have amazing news to update you with:

For the first time in a very long time, I am not in pain with my crohn's disease!

This is an amazing result in such a short space of time! It would seem that food really has been aggravating my symptoms. I can see why really, as the nature of crohn's disease is that my insides are inflamed and lined with aphthous ulcers. Everybody knows that mouth ulcers heal faster if they are not rubbing against anything else in the mouth, so it stands to reason that giving the ulcers inside of me a break from the friction of food moving over them will help them to heal. 

Over the last few days, I have only been tempted to eat food once. I actually thought about buying myself a veggie burger while on a day out, and for a time I was not sure what I was going to do. It was touch and go, but I then realised that I simply had to decide that I was not going to eat, and after that it was easy. At the end of that day I was so proud of myself for having made the right choice. I feel certain that it would not have tasted as nice as I was imagining it to be, and I can only imagine how bad I would have felt in myself if I had given in to temptation on day two! It would have been full of gluten as well so it would have really made my tummy bloat out, and would have caused me a lot of pain.

Now that my stomach is feeling better, it is important that I remember just how poorly I've been over these past few months. I need to keep telling myself that eating will probably make me feel like that again. I'm quite excited at the possibility that this diet may get my crohn's disease completely into remission!

As well as the health benefits, I am now starting to get really excited about finally seeing some great results with my weight loss. I weigh in next Sunday at my mum's house (my own scales are broken so I can't take any sneaky peaks!) and I'm really hoping to see a significant loss. Although this 'lifestyle change'-now-cum-diet has always been first and foremost about getting healthy, my weight has also been an issue for me for a long time.

The next few days should be relatively easy for me in terms of sticking to the diet, as my husband is on leave from work until Thursday. I haven't been tempted to binge yet (touch wood), but if I do feel the urge, it should be easier to ignore, or, rather, harder to listen to with him around, as I only ever binge in private.

There are a few aspects of this diet that I am finding more difficult than the actual abstinence of food itself. For a start, I feel very irritable and find it hard to concentrate or think straight, the amount of water that I need to drink makes me need to pee like Seabiscuit, which is rather uncomfortable, and while we're on the subject of drinking, I am really, really missing tea and coffee!

I'm trying only to drink water as, while I am technically doing this diet to give my stomach a rest from solid food, I know that I will see the best weight loss results if I stick rigidly to the VLCD rules. I feel quite tired and drained at times, probably due to caffeine withdrawal, but most of all I miss the social, habitual and comforting nature of drinking tea and coffee. I think that I could live without food forever, if I could drink as much tea and coffee as I liked.

All in all I am feeling very positive and determined, and my stomach feels a lot better for not having food passed through it. It's all good for now!

Serious change, Drastic measures...

It is time to face facts. The 'Eat-Less-Move-More' lifestyle changes that I have made are not working. I am still weighing in at 14 stone and I am sick. I am about as far away from 'healthy' right now as it is possible to be.

To bring everybody up to speed with my health situation, I have Hypothyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian  Syndrome and Crohn's disease, which all work against me in my attempt to lose weight. The Hypothyroidism isn't well controlled currently; We're still trying to work out the right dose of levothyroxine for me to be on, and an underactive thyroid unfortunately does cause weight gain. On top of this I am on a cocktail of steroids for my Crohn's disease, which all list "Weight Gain" amongst their most common side effects. It's all good fun, eh?

I, along with Dr G (my gastroenterologist), am really struggling lately with trying to get the Crohn's disease into remission. Prednisolone (a strong steroid with nasty side effects) hasn't worked and almost everything that I eat is making me feel sick. I have extensive villous atrophy and am, as a consequence, not absorbing any nutrition from the food that I eat. I feel like I could really benefit from just giving my gut a rest from trying to digest food altogether.

It is based on that feeling, that I have made the big decision to try a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD). This will be a liquid-only diet. It's extreme, and goes against all that I have been trying to achieve here in this blog (eating healthy, normal portion sizes and making good food choices - not allowing myself to fall into either extreme of binging or starving myself), however I feel at this point that giving my stomach a rest from solid food will be the best thing for me. It will hopefully give my digestive system time to recover and opportunity for inflammation to settle down.

The VLCD products that I will be using are nutritionally complete shakes and soups that, across the course of 3 packets a day, will provide my body with complete nutrition in minimal calories, no solids and with as little irritation or aggravation to my gut as possible.

I've previously believed that VLCD's are not suitable for me, due to my history - my urges to binge and starve (and purge), but I have proved to myself over the last 4 months that I am in control of my diet and I am capable of making good, healthy food choices. And I will go back to this healthy lifestyle once I reintroduce proper food to my diet later on.

I would not chose a VLCD purely as a means to lose weight. I think the best way for me to 'diet' would be to continue on with healthy food choices, controlled portion sizes, mindful eating, calorie counting and regular exercise, but this is not working for me right now due to my poor health, uncontrolled hypothyroidism and the medication that I am on.

I am aware that starting on a VLCD may trigger my bing-purge behaviour, but at the moment I trust myself that I am assertive enough to recognize if that occurs, and be honest with myself that if that is the case, VLCD is not for me and I will have to try a different approach.

That said, I think I will find a the diet relatively easy to stick to at the moment. I am so desperate with my illness and I am in so much pain that I don't want to eat anything. And I am so fatigued and generally unwell. Lately, eating anything solid seems to make these symptoms flare up big time. I need some relief. For this simple reason, that I am feeling so unwell, I don't think there will be an issue with me wanting to binge while on the diet. I obviously won't know until I try, but if I start to feel negative urges again I will have to reconsider whether this is something that I can afford to do, emotionally or psychologically.

I'm trying to set off with a positive mental attitude, though and I'm really hopeful that not eating will give me some relief from my Crohn's symptoms and help aid the steroids in getting me into remmission.

On another plus side of course weight loss will be a massive benefit as I've been at a standstill since I regained back to 14stone. Aaaanyway, that's the plan for now! I may not stick to this diet for long as, if I start to recognize I'm not coping and it's doing me harm mentally, I'll have to give it up. However I am hoping that as I am doing this diet for health reasons, and because I feel so ill that I don't even want to eat most of the time anyway, that it won't be an issue. Fingers crossed that this works out!

Still running, and this is why:

When running, it can seem as though the whole world is ahead of you, and gives a unique sense of being able to achieve just about anything:

And in seconds you can look back over your shoulder and see how far you've come in such little time:

I love this. I am not talented enough, as a writer, to put into words the feeling that I experienced on this particular run, so I hope the photos can go part way to demonstrating what I mean.

The images above were taken toward the end of an amazing run. Across 10 miles, I was running toward sunny, blue skies - with dark clouds and what looked like rain behind me. I managed to stay ahead of the rain right up until I reached the main road on my way back home. Rain did eventually catch up with me, and I got caught in a thunder storm, but there was something pretty glorious about running through that in itself. It was such fun!

As I explained in this post, I no longer run with single aim of 'getting skinny' in mind. For many different reasons, I no longer force myself out of the door but I look forward to getting my training shoes on and am eager to set foot on my running routes. In fact the only reason that I don't run more than I do, is because I feel guilty about leaving the children so often.

I discover, almost every time that I hit the road, that I am getting some fresh enjoyment from running. I find that I am running for new and differing reasons to what I had considered before. On my run yesterday, when I covered 10 miles in the comfortable pace of 3.5 hours, I discovered the solid sense of ability, confidence and accomplishment that can come from running.

Although I usually hate photos of myself, and the above is a particularly 'bad' photo with messy hair and chubby cheeks, I took this in a moment when I felt on top of the world, and seeing this photo makes me really happy. I cherish this time. This is 'my' time. If I had to put into words how I feel about running at the moment, I would say that I'm falling in love with it.

Doing the Salmon Dance

This really is begining to feel like a very long battle. I feel like I'm trying to swim against the tide. I had a repeat blood test last week that showed that my hypothyroidism is not yet quite controlled, which, according to my GP, will be making it harder for me to lose weight. On top of this I had an appointment with Dr G last week where I was told that the Budesonide that I was on hadn't worked and the inflammation inside me was increasing. Because of this I am now having to take Prednisolone, a different type of steroid. Unfortunately a side effect of this medication is weight gain. The last thing I need. I've only been taking Pred for a week and already I've gained weight. I am now back up to 14st, or 196lbs.

I'm determined not to feel defeated, though. Although the weather has been bad, so my recent relative inactivity may have contributed to my weight gain in part, I haven't changed my diet since starting Prednisolone, so I can only assume that the new medication and my badly behaving thyroid gland are largely responsible for the pounds creeping back on. While the temptation is there to say, 'To hell with it then! It doesn't matter what I do - I'm never going to shift this weight. What's the point?', the point is this:


If I am gaining weight on <1500 kcals a day, what is going to happen if I start eating mindlessly again?

For the first time in a long time, I am actually constantly mindful of what I am consuming. I think about eating healthily, portion sizes, not eating out of habit or boredom etc. I think about these things every day. This is still the longest that I have ever stuck with anything like this. I am reluctant to call it a 'diet', but if that is what it is, it's the longest I've ever stuck to one.

I'm afraid that if I drop these lifestyle changes that I have worked so hard to bring about, I'll never be able to pick them back up again. So while I may not be seeing great results at the minute, it's worth sticking out. It's about damage control. It's about keeping 'healthy' at the front of my mind. It's about maintaining, and continuing to strive for a better, healthier version of myself.

I am frustrated and fed up with my body, and how long this is taking, and how hard it is, but I am as determined and motivated as I ever have been.

Overdue update

I've neglected my blog recently, but my mind has still be on the task of changing my lifestyle around and being healthy. I've been keeping a daily diary on paper, of my goals for the day and whether I meet them.

So how have I been getting on? I've been loving the sunshine and longer evenings for long walks and gentle jogs. Unfortunately I've been struck down with a nasty virus this week, but on the plus side the lbs have been dropping off! Now that I'm feeling a little better, I have the added motivation to keep up the good work as I don't really want to pile those lbs back on. I've not been starving while I've been poorly, I've just had little appetite so I've been eating much smaller portions and not eating excessively, so I hope to continue this as it evidently does work.

I do need to get back into updating my myfitnesspal diary daily, as I have been falling short here and I need to keep track of those calories. I might also start updating this diary every day, in the same fashion that I've been using my paper journal (simple list of goals and whether I've achieved them or not).

I ran the sport relief mile on Sunday but, although I was happy with my fitness level for the run, I look so FAT in the photos of the event. This is all just more motivation to keep going. I also bought myself some new running trousers. They're lovely and comfortable but they are literally skin tight - you can see every ripple, lump, bump and wobble through the material - It's like running naked! I definitely need to keep going to fix this!

The really good news is I've managed to find a sort of consistency. I'm regularly active - even if it's just a 30 minute walk. I'm conscious of my eating every day rather than just mindlessly scoffing, and I am pretty sure I'm eating less, though I need to update MFP more often to be sure that my calories aren't creeping up. I've also managed to kick the gluten out of my diet! I've been gluten free for over a fortnight now, and I feel great for it.

I'm back, I'm focussed, I'm good

I finally snapped myself out of it (for meaning of 'it', see previous post). I feel focussed, positive and determinate. I've decided to try not to look at huge, far away goals. I am taking this in sets of 10 days, one day at a time. I now have a chart  on my kitchen wall, split into 10 days (day 1, day 2, day 3 etc) with each day having a checklist. When I reach day 10, I'll start a new chart, at day 1 again. If it's only 10 days, it feels doable. So long as each day I tick off every item on the list, I should continue to make progress, improve my fitness and see a good, steady weight loss. Just one day at a time.

My ticklists contain things that I should be doing, but haven't been strict enough on myself about such as:

Day one

Remember to take medications
Run
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 2

Remember to take medications
REST
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 3

Remember to take medications
120minutes walking (brisk pace)
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 4

Remember to take medications
REST
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 5

Remember to take medications
Run
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

....you get the idea. I have a plan. I have the determination to stick to this plan. It should work. Fingers crossed. I'll let you know how I get on.

Random things that motivate me #001

People from my past.

Be it friends I've lost touch with, enemies(!), exes, people I really liked but never really struck up a friendship with or people I really DIDN'T like, I always think, "If I should bump into one of them tomorrow... Would I be happy with the way that I look now?" At the moment the answer is no, but it really motivates me to lose this excess weight so that hopefully one day I'll bump into somebody from my past and I'll be a really healthy-looking size 10 and look amazing. I don't know why this will bring me satisfaction, but I know that it will. On that note, I'm off to get an early night before my 4 mile power walk followed by C25K run tomorrow morning.

Why Run?

There have got to be lots of ways to get fit, right? If you're interested in why I chose running, or you're thinking of starting to run, here are my personal reasons to run:

• Convenience. Running is something I can do on my own, with no equipment required (except for my super cushy springy runny shoes). It is something I can do as much or as little of as I please, or am able to fit in. I am able to make my own schedule, make my own rules, be my own fitness coach. I am able to slip in to my running shoes while my husband distracts our little ones, and be out of the door in 3 minutes before any of them notice. I can be back in 30 minutes, having completed my work out for the day, before my children have the chance to actually miss me.  If I want to run longer, I can go out after bedtime and enjoy the evening air. It's liberating. It's exhilarating. It's freedom. It's MY time. And I own it.
• Running feels good. Believe it or not, once you get past the first few hard runs, you stop forcing yourself to go out the door and you get to a point where you can barely wait to get out there! Running is addictive. It feels good. This is because of endorphins. These little feel-good chemicals are released in our bodies when we run. Endorphins are well-known to help relieve stress (and even ease the symptoms of depression). When I run, I feel good for hours afterwards. More than, 'good', I feel almost euphoric. I feel positive, excited, in control... elated. You've heard of 'runners' high', right? Well, it actually exists! It is a highly motivating influence in getting me out of the door each day.
• Self-esteem. Running helps me to feel good about myself. I am actively doing something to help improve my health and my fitness level. I am tackling my weight problem in a healthy and sensible way. I am in control. I am making positive changes, setting myself goals and meeting them. I am achieving. 
• Me-time. Being a mum of 3 tiddlers, I don't often get much 'me-time'. When I am running, it is my time. It is my time to think about whatever I would like to, or to think of nothing at all. When running I can clear my mind and just enjoy the pounding of my feet upon the pavement. When I am running, my only responsibility is to myself. I do not need to think about what the children are doing, what the house looks like, or anything at all. All I need to do, is complete my run. I love this. This is my time.
• Getting outside. It sounds corny, and maybe it is, but when I run I feel 'connected' in some way. I am outdoors, with the wind brushing through my hair, I can breath in fresh air while my feet tread over dirt or grass, while I run past trees and flowers and birds... Running outside connects you to nature and brings a new appreciation for the outdoors. Corny, but true. You might not realise how much you can appreciate 'nature' until you get out there and experience it regularly.
• Improvement. Achievement. When running, I can set myself goals and achieve them. I can aim to run further, or faster. I can achieve. I can aspire. I can better myself. I can see myself improve. I am limitless. I am free. There is nothing that is beyond my capabilities, I can do anything. Running puts me in a position of power, and shows me just how much I can make of myself. Running is 'me' becoming the best version of myself.

That is why I run. When I started running, my only reason was, "to lose weight", but I discovered that there are much more compelling reasons to get out there and get running. Why don't you give it a go yourself, and find out why YOU run?

A Penny Drops...

I have felt very motivated since I last posted. I think it is due to a new perspective that I have adopted. That new perspective is to do with 'this' not being about 'skinny' anymore, but about being healthy. That in mind, I have traded my car in for my legs and I am walking wherever possible. The distance doesn't matter - If there is a safe pedestrian footpath all the way there, the car stays at home.

I suddenly realised I don't need to depend on my husband to babysit so that I can go running, or wait until the children are all in bed (when I may be too tired) to do an exercise DVD: I can get exercise every day just by walking instead of driving! I got my car less than 2 years ago, and since then I have gained about 3.5 stone. I think my body may be trying to tell me something! It's time I pricked up my ears and really listened to what my body is saying.

Just to prove what I am saying is true, here is a photo of me when I was pregnant with my twins, before I started driving:



I wasn't on any special diet to keep my weight in check. I didn't ever think about what I ate - I just used to walk everywhere. I think walking is under-rated as exercise goes, so I'm giving it a real go leaving the car at home at every opportunity.

I think the penny has finally dropped, that could make all the difference for me now. It's not about getting thin anymore, it's about getting healthy - and I've really surprised myself in realising that I want that much more than I care about what my body looks like! Losing weight will be a bonus. A big bonus, but it's not the focal point. Getting fit is. And being healthy.

When I was in college, I used to get up at 6 every day to jog the 16 miles there. Then I'd get the bus home, have dinner, and get on my bike to cycle 16 miles to my boyfriend's house - and cycle back again afterwards, too. I loved exercise and being active, and I want to get back to that. When I started college and started walking and cycling everywhere, I dropped 5 dress sizes (went from an 18 to an 8) without even trying OR noticing. I just noticed the fitness aspect and how much I was enjoying myself and loving the exercise and the 'runners high' that I used to get.

As I'm becoming more active now, it's all flooding back. The post-run-euphoria, the enjoyment of walking for miles in the evening sunshine, the sense of satisfaction upon arriving after working hard to get somewhere. I've found that I don't care quite so much about 'skinny' anymore. I want to be fit and healthy. That's what I really care about.

And I think that's what's kept me on track since I last posted as well. I don't think 'skinny' is a realistic, healthy or sustainable goal or motivator, because it's long-term, it's too far off in the future. I think I would grow bored or frustrated if skinny was my only goal, and would be at risk of giving up long before my goal was within grasp. Because I'm the type of person who has to see results to keep myself in the game. Fitness and Health are long-term goals but they are ongoing goals as well. I can see results each time it easier to walk that distance, each time I walk a little further, run a little faster, get less out of breath... I can see my improvement in bite sizes and can set mini-goals along the way as well that will keep me motivated and on-course.

So, with these mini-motivating-goals in mind, I have decided to enter this: http://www.kilomathon.com/?pages_id=2472 It gives me something to think and work and train towards. It's not until October, so I have plenty of time to train, prepare and make sure that I am capable. I'll only go for the 6.55km as it's the first event like this that I'll have entered. Next year I can go for 13km or 26 depending on how fit I am by then. I feel very excited thinking about all that is to come - my growing fitness, entering events, being fit enough to run these long distances. Any weight lost will be a bonus in my eyes. But it's not what it's about. Not anymore.

It really helps to have a goal, which is ongoing. It's no good having a goal like, "Skinny". Skinny is not my friend. So, I get skinny.... then what? I stop trying and put weight on again? Skinny is not my goal. Healthy is. And in my goal being to be healthy, it means I am not on a diet. I am not running to get skinny. I am running to be healthy and eating healthy foods that will nourish my body and give me energy. It is a lifestyle change and it is a lifeLONG change.

This thought used to fill me with dread. I used to sit and think, "I can never eat like I want to again - Even once I am skinny, I'll have to stay on a diet for the rest of my life, or I'll just get fat again!". Now I think about my healthy future, being a fit and keen running person... and I am excited! I want to be that person! As Winston Churchill said, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal; It is the courage to continue that counts". This is ongoing. I am turning my life around. I may well have some days where I don't get out there and run like I should, or where I take the car down the road into town rather than walking it, or where I eat gluten or sit on the couch all day - But failure is not fatal, because I can pick it up where I left off. I have the courage to continue. My goal (success - skinny?) is not final - My goal is ongoing. My goal is continuance.

I can't wait to enjoy the rest of my life as a fit, active and healthy person. Right now, I put on my running clothes and I'm aware I look ridicules at a size 16 with a bulging belly and wobbly thighs, but it's all for a purpose, and when I hit the street eventually in size 10 running clothes to go for a 10k run, people who sniggered at me now will not be sniggering then.

Runner's High, Endorphins and Eliza Dusku

I came across this picture when searching for Eliza Dushku pictures for some inspiration. I loved her as Faith in 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', and Missy in 'Bring It On'. I think her body is to die for. She's not crazy-skinny, and shes always looked so athletic and, above all, healthy. I would be a very happy bunny if I looked anything like the above picture - toned and slim.

But it's the caption I love the most.

"I'm addicted to endorphines: good, clean, healthy and free!"

I have experienced "runner's high" myself and can vouch for how good it feels. Why not feel like that every day? It's good, it's clean, it's healthy, it's free - AND it will help me achieve my weight loss / body goals. I think I'll go out for a run tonight. I don't care how cold it is. 

Mini-motivating-goals

I feel a lil' slimmer again this week. Perhaps I'll take some more progress photos after the weekend. I'm going to work even harder at my weight loss for a couple of weeks, though as a good friend of mine has asked me to take my children swimming with her on 15th February. If I'm going to be seen in public, wearing anything less than a baggy jumper and trousers, I'll want to look as UNfat as possible! So I'll be cutting out fruit squash and tea and only drinking water, and when it's too cold to go running I'm going to have to work out inside instead to keep burning the calories!

It's quite nice having a near, mini-motivator, though rather than looking ahead at the full 51lbs that I have to lose! I think after I reach the 15th, I'll set fortnightly mini goals to keep me motivated...

A knife edge...

I'm doing well... ish. I have good days, very good days and, very occasionally, I have a few bad days as well. I feel as though a healthy, skinny me is just within my grasp. If I only make a few right choices now, I'll be able to reach out and hold 'skinny' in my hands - at last, and for good!

But at the moment I feel like I'm balancing precariously on a knife edge.  On one side of me lies a serene path of success, good health, fitness, well being, and a solid sense of self-worth. This is a path that, once I'm soundly on my way, I reckon I could follow for the rest of my life, without wavering. A simple path. A sustainable path. Watching my calories and working out. Easy, right?

On the other side, however, lays a path that scares me, and thrills me. This path is fasting, restricting, dropping weight FAST and NOW and seeing change. I do know restricting doesn't work for me - I end up binging BIG TIME. I don't mean falling off the diet waggon and eating a chocolate bar or two. I mean binging on 10,000+ calories at a time. A bag of doughnuts. And a box of cereal. And everything that I have in my cupboards and / or fridge. Going shopping to replace everything and buying bags of popcorn and crisps at the same time, eating those in the car before we even set off from the supermarket.  Then going to pizza hut, and getting a Chinese on the way home. In my experience, restricting always leads to binging. It may not be immediate, but if I go down this path, the binge will follow. I know this, and yet the idea of restricting and fasting still tempts me - It taunts me.

And then directly beneath me, should I fall off of this knife edge and miss either path entirely, lays a life of obesity, misery, failure; a still, sedentary lifestyle. No self-esteem. Worn and jaded, faded self-worth. That's not me. I refuse to allow this to become me. Obesity, an underactive thyroid and fat-induced-infertility will not overcome me. I will overcome these things and become a better, thinner person in the process.

I know which path I want to take... but sometimes I feel like I'm frozen to the spot. Afraid of failure. Afraid to move in case I lose my balance and fall in the wrong direction. I know now that I can lose weight by calorie counting and exercising. I've seen it happen over the last few weeks. But it's slow - agonisingly slow. I could keep this up and become slimmer, fitter, healthier - eventually. But as the weight starts to shift, I become impatient. I want to be thinner - not later - now. I want to see the number on the scales fall daily  - not ticking over, at a rate of maybe a lb a week.

I know that the sort of change I'm dreaming of is not sustainable, and I will end up binging, and getting fatter than ever, and having to start again. I must keep this in mind because today I found myself perusing 'ProAna' blogs. I didn't go looking for them. And it's not like I want the disorder back. I stumbled upon them. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. You don't want to look, but you can't tear your eyes away either.

I do know the reality of anorexia / bulimia. I overcame it once and I'll be damned if I have to do it again. I do remember the binging, purging, self-hatred... the constant sense of failure, of not quite being thin enough... the obsession, the constant thinking about food, and weight, and portion sizes and weighing out foods. The consumption - I'm not meaning consuming foods, but being consumed by a force that will bind you in its grip and not let you go.

But it's like my mind has glamorised the disorder somewhere along the way - Instead of looking back and seeing clearly how I was controlled by my disordered way of eating and my distorted self-image, I look back and I remember the feeling of success after getting through a week of not eating. The feeling of power and control when the number on the scales fell... And that little voice in the back of my mind - the devil on my shoulder if you like - whispers, "If you just restrict for one week, you could loose half a stone, take it from there... It's a push in the right direction, get a bulk out the way and then go back to calorie counting. Exert some control. Show yourself you're in charge... Show yourself how much willpower you can have. You'll feel better when you can see how much smaller you're getting." It's a slippery slope.

I can see that if I carry on as I have been, I could change for life. I could be fit, and healthy - and thin! I could be a runner, I could have another baby, I could learn how to never get fat like this again. I could learn how to enjoy foods AND lose weight. You can actually eat quite a lot in a day with 1200 calories, and I know I'll lose weight, too... But I think that's the part my mind struggles with. Is this too easy? Could I be doing more? Could I be getting thinner, quicker?

No. I turn my face away from disordered eating. I think about how SICK I will feel with myself when I try to fast and then end up binging on a week's worth of food in one sitting. I choose control - real control. I choose a steady success and consistent change. I chose slowly moving on, 1200 calories, one day at a time. And one step at a time, I will run to a healthier me.

I face you, temptation, and I turn away again. You are not good for me. That voice that says, "Just one week of fasting" is just as evil as the one that says, "Start your diet again tomorrow". Both would see me fail in this. And I will not be beaten by the devil on my shoulder. I'm stronger than that.

I did it!

I've been attempting the 'NHS Couch to 5k' for 2 weeks now... Today, I finally managed to complete the Week 1 podcast. And it felt easy! I could have kept going - I wanted to keep going! I don't know if that's the thyroxine working its magic, or my persitence and determination finally improving my stamina. Either way, I feel so much fitter now than when I first started out.

My diet is going well. I'm easily sticking below 1600 calories every day. And best of all, I feel good about myself. I've wanted to change for so long now and I'm finally doing it - I'm actually doing it!

So, what do we reckon? Time for progress photos? I think so!

Before:



Now:



Before:



Now:



Before:



Now:



Before:



Now:



I think there is a slight visible difference, but even if I can't see it yet, I feel so much healthier - and so much better about myself! When I started Couch to 5k, only 2 weeks ago, I could barely get through the warm up walk. Today I was able to complete the week 1 podcast, and could have gone on longer! I'm excited to get out and go for my run - I don't feel like I'm forcing myself anymore. And generally, I have so much energy - the horrible fatique that I've been living with for the last year or two is surely fading away...

The scales are testifying my hard work and success as well:

Starting weight:



Weight at last weigh in:



I need to weigh in again, soon. I'll also take my measurements before my next blog entry here and see if there's been any change in the inches!

I feel 100% determined to see this through, and I can't wait to see where I am this time next year.

MyFitnesPal

If anybody is interested in my food diary as I lose weight, here's the link to my MFP account, where I input all of my food and exercise: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/diary/18to8FatToThin

I've had a few stressful days, which have been bad for my diet. But that said I've been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and potentially polycystic ovarian syndrome (waiting for more tests to confirm). This is a massive motivating factor for weight loss as I'd love to have another baby, and I don't think I can until I shed a good 20lbs at least.

PCOS aside, it would be most ideal to lose the extra weight before concieving again in any case. So that's my plan. If you're a member on myfitness pal, feel free to friend me - My username is 18to8FatToThin. Hope to see you over there.

A Public Place

The purpose of this blog is to publish my fatty photos, in a totally honest - totally public - way. I hope this will give me the motivation to slim down and tone up!

Presently I am starting out on couch to 5k, weight training and a lower calorie diet in what I wish was my first attempt to lose weight.

After warming up appropriately with stretches and gentle exercises, I went on my first run today using the NHS podcast couch to 5k, which is intended for slobbish couch potatoes like myself. I felt totally exhausted by the end of the 5 minute 'warm up' walk, with burning lungs and blurred vision. Who knew that I was THAT unfit!? I managed 3 reps of 60 second jog followed by 90 second power walk, before I waddled home feeling sore, wobbly and totally defeated. Memories of an obese 15 year old me passing out after level 2 of the bleep test came flooding back...

Still, I am determined not to be beaten. I will try again tomorrow.

Fatty photos to follow.............................................................................................................................