Still running, and this is why:

When running, it can seem as though the whole world is ahead of you, and gives a unique sense of being able to achieve just about anything:

And in seconds you can look back over your shoulder and see how far you've come in such little time:

I love this. I am not talented enough, as a writer, to put into words the feeling that I experienced on this particular run, so I hope the photos can go part way to demonstrating what I mean.

The images above were taken toward the end of an amazing run. Across 10 miles, I was running toward sunny, blue skies - with dark clouds and what looked like rain behind me. I managed to stay ahead of the rain right up until I reached the main road on my way back home. Rain did eventually catch up with me, and I got caught in a thunder storm, but there was something pretty glorious about running through that in itself. It was such fun!

As I explained in this post, I no longer run with single aim of 'getting skinny' in mind. For many different reasons, I no longer force myself out of the door but I look forward to getting my training shoes on and am eager to set foot on my running routes. In fact the only reason that I don't run more than I do, is because I feel guilty about leaving the children so often.

I discover, almost every time that I hit the road, that I am getting some fresh enjoyment from running. I find that I am running for new and differing reasons to what I had considered before. On my run yesterday, when I covered 10 miles in the comfortable pace of 3.5 hours, I discovered the solid sense of ability, confidence and accomplishment that can come from running.

Although I usually hate photos of myself, and the above is a particularly 'bad' photo with messy hair and chubby cheeks, I took this in a moment when I felt on top of the world, and seeing this photo makes me really happy. I cherish this time. This is 'my' time. If I had to put into words how I feel about running at the moment, I would say that I'm falling in love with it.

Doing the Salmon Dance

This really is begining to feel like a very long battle. I feel like I'm trying to swim against the tide. I had a repeat blood test last week that showed that my hypothyroidism is not yet quite controlled, which, according to my GP, will be making it harder for me to lose weight. On top of this I had an appointment with Dr G last week where I was told that the Budesonide that I was on hadn't worked and the inflammation inside me was increasing. Because of this I am now having to take Prednisolone, a different type of steroid. Unfortunately a side effect of this medication is weight gain. The last thing I need. I've only been taking Pred for a week and already I've gained weight. I am now back up to 14st, or 196lbs.

I'm determined not to feel defeated, though. Although the weather has been bad, so my recent relative inactivity may have contributed to my weight gain in part, I haven't changed my diet since starting Prednisolone, so I can only assume that the new medication and my badly behaving thyroid gland are largely responsible for the pounds creeping back on. While the temptation is there to say, 'To hell with it then! It doesn't matter what I do - I'm never going to shift this weight. What's the point?', the point is this:


If I am gaining weight on <1500 kcals a day, what is going to happen if I start eating mindlessly again?

For the first time in a long time, I am actually constantly mindful of what I am consuming. I think about eating healthily, portion sizes, not eating out of habit or boredom etc. I think about these things every day. This is still the longest that I have ever stuck with anything like this. I am reluctant to call it a 'diet', but if that is what it is, it's the longest I've ever stuck to one.

I'm afraid that if I drop these lifestyle changes that I have worked so hard to bring about, I'll never be able to pick them back up again. So while I may not be seeing great results at the minute, it's worth sticking out. It's about damage control. It's about keeping 'healthy' at the front of my mind. It's about maintaining, and continuing to strive for a better, healthier version of myself.

I am frustrated and fed up with my body, and how long this is taking, and how hard it is, but I am as determined and motivated as I ever have been.

Random things that motivate me #002

Summer and Events

The summer is fast approaching. I want to be able to wear shorts when it's too hot for jeans, without feeling that I'm embarrassing myself and my husband or kids.

On top of this, summer seems to be the time when people want to invite you to BBQ's and take photographs of you in their garden. The last thing that I want is photos of me popping up on facebook, that make me wish the earth would open and swallow me up.

I have two events this summer, which I would actually love to be able to get some photographs of myself at that I like. The first is the London Film and Comic Con (LFCC).

Me at the LFCC in the summer of 2011, when I weighed around 11st 7lbs.

Last year when I attended this event, I actually liked the photographs of me that came out of it. I'd love to be able to say the same this year, but I have gained at least 2 stone since then. I have purchased a ticket for myself to be photographed with Anthony Stewart Head, so I really want to feel happy with the way that I look at this event.

The second event that will be highly photographed is the wedding of my Sister-In-Law. I really want to be able to wear a nice dress and feel confident on my husband's arm and in the photographs.

Each time that I think of putting gluteny foods or high calorie junk in my mouth, I think about how I want to look at these events and in photographs afterwards, and it helps me to put the food back down and step away.

Overdue update

I've neglected my blog recently, but my mind has still be on the task of changing my lifestyle around and being healthy. I've been keeping a daily diary on paper, of my goals for the day and whether I meet them.

So how have I been getting on? I've been loving the sunshine and longer evenings for long walks and gentle jogs. Unfortunately I've been struck down with a nasty virus this week, but on the plus side the lbs have been dropping off! Now that I'm feeling a little better, I have the added motivation to keep up the good work as I don't really want to pile those lbs back on. I've not been starving while I've been poorly, I've just had little appetite so I've been eating much smaller portions and not eating excessively, so I hope to continue this as it evidently does work.

I do need to get back into updating my myfitnesspal diary daily, as I have been falling short here and I need to keep track of those calories. I might also start updating this diary every day, in the same fashion that I've been using my paper journal (simple list of goals and whether I've achieved them or not).

I ran the sport relief mile on Sunday but, although I was happy with my fitness level for the run, I look so FAT in the photos of the event. This is all just more motivation to keep going. I also bought myself some new running trousers. They're lovely and comfortable but they are literally skin tight - you can see every ripple, lump, bump and wobble through the material - It's like running naked! I definitely need to keep going to fix this!

The really good news is I've managed to find a sort of consistency. I'm regularly active - even if it's just a 30 minute walk. I'm conscious of my eating every day rather than just mindlessly scoffing, and I am pretty sure I'm eating less, though I need to update MFP more often to be sure that my calories aren't creeping up. I've also managed to kick the gluten out of my diet! I've been gluten free for over a fortnight now, and I feel great for it.

I'm back, I'm focussed, I'm good

I finally snapped myself out of it (for meaning of 'it', see previous post). I feel focussed, positive and determinate. I've decided to try not to look at huge, far away goals. I am taking this in sets of 10 days, one day at a time. I now have a chart  on my kitchen wall, split into 10 days (day 1, day 2, day 3 etc) with each day having a checklist. When I reach day 10, I'll start a new chart, at day 1 again. If it's only 10 days, it feels doable. So long as each day I tick off every item on the list, I should continue to make progress, improve my fitness and see a good, steady weight loss. Just one day at a time.

My ticklists contain things that I should be doing, but haven't been strict enough on myself about such as:

Day one

Remember to take medications
Run
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 2

Remember to take medications
REST
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 3

Remember to take medications
120minutes walking (brisk pace)
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 4

Remember to take medications
REST
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

Day 5

Remember to take medications
Run
Add all food to MFP
<1500 Kcal
NO gluten

....you get the idea. I have a plan. I have the determination to stick to this plan. It should work. Fingers crossed. I'll let you know how I get on.

Bear with me

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm in a deep pit of self-misery and despair. I'm sure I'll wade out the other side soon. I need to surround myself with good, healthy, positive role-models, I think. There are too many people fasting around me and going about this unhealthily... I feel like saying, "Screw it all!", and throwing in the 'healthy' towel - It's covered in misery-mud anyway. It's not quick enough. I really never want to eat again at the moment. I'm sorry, I did say I was feeling miserable! Hopefully my healthy approach will return soon once I have surrounded myself with healthy, positive people. I just feel stuck in a rut, and totally despaired.

Random things that motivate me #001

People from my past.

Be it friends I've lost touch with, enemies(!), exes, people I really liked but never really struck up a friendship with or people I really DIDN'T like, I always think, "If I should bump into one of them tomorrow... Would I be happy with the way that I look now?" At the moment the answer is no, but it really motivates me to lose this excess weight so that hopefully one day I'll bump into somebody from my past and I'll be a really healthy-looking size 10 and look amazing. I don't know why this will bring me satisfaction, but I know that it will. On that note, I'm off to get an early night before my 4 mile power walk followed by C25K run tomorrow morning.